Drink Up with Daniel – Tosh.0

(crowd cheering) (screaming) Oh my God! (screaming) Oh my God. (screaming) Oh! Mike, go! Mike, go! How you guys doing? Good. I wanted to let you know one of our regulars would like to buy you a round of tequila shock shots. Outstanding. Hey don’t get too excited. First thing I’m gonna need you to do is sign these release forms. Yep. There you go. All right bottoms up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s not how the tequila shock shot works. I need everyone to put on an electric dog collar. Red for the lady. -Seriously? – I will electrocute the (bleep) out of you while you take the shot. When you finish begin barking. Once everyone is barking I will stop shocking you. Bottoms up. All right, all right. That was great. Oh, he wants to buy you another round. – Yeah thank you. – Thank you. They’ll really be shocked to know my dog Roofie’d all of them. You might be unaware that I have my own drink.

A lot of celebrities do. There’s the Arnold Palmer, the Shirley Temple, the Eliza Dushku, yeah. And now, the Toshtini. What’s a Toshtini? I’ll tell you. It’s when you open an expensive bottle of water and immediately pour half of it straight down the drain. Now fill the bottle up with tap water and gently shake. Serve it at room temperature and garnish with a twist of limon, the active ingredient in Sprite. Now go to a bar and order a Toshtini tonight and please enjoy responsibly. I am… Shut up dad. Oh yeah folks. He drinks gravy, deal with it, dad. You got anything else you want to say to the fans? More gravy. Delicious. Ah. With tits like those, who needs a job? Bowl of gravy. Ah yeah folks, a bowl of gravy.

A nice bowl of gravy. Bowl of gravy. Until next time folks. Bye-bye. Bye-bye buddy. Keep on living every day like it’s Thanksgiving. All right so that’s an actually glass of your urine. Very fresh. Very fresh. Looks pretty dark. Looks a little dark. Is it warm? Can I feel how warm it is? Mm-hmm. Ah, it’s a nice temperature. It’s perfect. And you just drink your pee? Finally milk, let’s talk about it. Did you know the milk you’ve been drinking is disgusting and impure? The folks at whitepowermilk.com think so. They go beyond pasteurization to racial purification. They have a room filled with Arian women who do nothing but gargle milk, spit it into bottles and send it to you, the racist insane consumer. Well I did some digging. Turns out that company is out of business or maybe fake.

But I’m not crying over it, instead I picked up the torch and started purifying milk myself. Thanks. Thanks a lot man. Thank you. .

“5-1 or 1-0?” | Your 09 Questions for Roman Bürki

Well when they’re on target they’re pretty hard to stop, unfortunately! From Borusse to Borusse That’s what I’ve heard. Why do you always grab the ball from the referee before kick-off? It’s kind of become my ritual… it’s a way to test my grip and get a good feel for the ball in my hands. That’s all it is, but it’s become my routine before every game.

How hard is it to save shots from Marco Reus? Well when they’re on target they’re pretty hard to stop, unfortunately! He has a really special shooting technique, and it’s very difficult for every goalkeeper. Do you spend a lot of time in the gym? Well… less than I did earlier in my career. I think the main thing is for me to feel good on matchdays, so I’ve sort of eased off a bit. At the moment things are going well, we’ve been on a good run, so I’ve focused on other things. Are you an early riser or are you not a morning person? I’m definitely not a morning person! Back when I still lived with my parents the pack of Cornflakes and the milk were my shield – they meant I didn’t have to talk to anyone in the morning. Do you speak Swiss German with Akanji and Hitz? Swiss German, yes.

Do the others understand it? No – they give us a funny look and sometimes laugh at us because it sounds weird, but obviously when we’re around the other players we speak Standard German. Who’s the best FIFA player in the team? It’s hard to say because I don’t play FIFA against the others really. I’d say Manu Akanji… that’s what I’ve heard.

Why did you choose Number 38 when you joined Dortmund? Because not many numbers were available! 38 was the first one that I thought of – I didn’t want to take a popular player’s number from him! So that’s why I chose Number 38. Can you take free kicks or penalties? Sometimes for a laugh after training I try to score from long range. Every time I try to score it shows me how hard it is just to get the ball on target, so when a goalkeeper’s there as well it’s obviously even harder. It makes it easier for me to understand when we have a bit of a goal drought.

Who’s your role model? It was Iker Casillas, Buffon as well, and Manuel Neuer, but now there are so many top goalkeepers putting in fantastic performances, so you can learn from all of them, and I really like that. Would you rather win 5-1 or 1-0? 1-0, definitely! .

TOTAL ECLIPSE | Season 3 | Ep. 1: “Millwood Chronicles”

( music playing ) – Cassie here. I’m– – Hey, you. – ( static ) – Mr. Lane? As your new vice principal, I’m requiring you to have an extracurricular activity this year. Cassie: Previously on “Total Eclipse”… Or as I’m calling it, a “thang.” You don’t have to steal things from me – to get me to hang out with you. – So, is that a yes? If you weren’t such a weirdo, girls might actually give you half a chance.

– Mind if I join you here? – Yeah, that’s totally cool. – I really like you, and– – I love you. Can you ask me before you tell someone I’ll do something? Did you really not do anything for Cassie’s birthday? – I’m breaking up with you. – What? You told me I had a good heart. Jenna! What the heck! My dad lost his job a few months ago. We’ve lost $1,000 worth of clothing to this shoplifter – over the last two months. – Isn’t that when Kate started? – Gretchen, I swear I had nothing to do with this. – I’m letting you go. – I don’t think you should turn yourself in. – It’s the right thing to do. Not if you want to stay with Scott.

I can’t go to the dance with someone like you. Someone like me? Kate didn’t steal from you. – How do you know? – Because I did. Morgan: I’m sorry. I thought I was too popular for you. Luca, in time you’ll understand why I had to do this. I didn’t realize you went to the same school as Diana. Julian, I’ve been waiting all night for my prince to arrive. We’re placing you under arrest for shoplifting. – Come with us. – Cassie, no. Tell them the truth. Tell them you didn’t do it. I made a promise. Why are you with Diana? I can’t talk about it. Any of it. Jenna: When I was a little kid, I used to imagine that I was a superhero. My mom didn’t love it. She said superheroes are for boys. Ugh, what are these doing out? I thought I got rid of these. Get ready. You’re gonna be late for school.

When things were bad, I like to think that my powers could fix anything that had gone wrong. ( music playing ) Finch! Mother: Jenna, school, now! ( theme music playing ) ( school bell rings ) So, what did you do this weekend? Um, well, I rehearsed for dance. ( chattering ) Still feeling guilty Cassie did the time for your crime? Shh. Just stay on my good side and your secret’s safe with me. – You have a good side? – Oh, good one, Jenna. Come on, let’s go this way. And then my mom threw away the entire meal she cooked and we ordered pizza. How was your weekend? Intense. My Aunt Bonnie moved in with us.

– Is that good or bad? – Both. She’s my favorite aunt. But she’s here because she’s been sick. Oh, Kate, I’m so sorry. If you need anything, just know I’m here for you. What if I need to know the truth about the shoplifter? The truth is I did community service, and the rest is in the past. Can we just leave it at that? I guess. But it still smells fishy. Well, so does Mr. Lane, but we still love him anyway. It’s a girl. Your regular history teacher? His new baby is a girl. No? Okay. Well, Mr. Hameed is on paternity leave, which explains me. I’m Ms. Dawson. I just moved here from New York City, where I was born and raised.

Oh, I was gonna pass these out. Blueberry muffins. I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you. Personally. Casserole! Hi, Mr. Lane. – Got a minute? – Yeah. So, Cassie. What do you see here? Your online dating profile? Oh, no. That’s not right. Where is my ink blot test? Cassie, what I’m trying to say is I’ve been concerned with you, ever since the, uh… oh, uh… …incident from last year. And I am worried that you’ve been spending too much time in your head. I know it can be fun to pretend. You know, I have the fantasy of living in a one-bedroom apartment, as opposed to a studio. ( chuckles ) I could have enough room for a couch, but, uh, who wants that? I do. I really do. I need it. I guess what I’m trying to say is the problem with daydreaming, Cassie, is it can keep you from spending time in the real world. – Mr. Lane, I– – No, no, no, let me finish.

I want to challenge you to stay focused on the here and the now. ( chuckles ) Just give it a try, okay? You know, you might be pleasantly surprised. Or, even better, you might be able to turn your dreams… into a reality. May I sit here? Well, if it isn’t the first lady of Millwood? Please don’t call me that. What would you like me to call you, then? Overwhelmed? Why? What’s wrong? Okay, promise you won’t tell anyone? So, Diana blackmailed me into being her friend again. My parents won’t stop fighting. – I’m worried that Scott– – Okay, whoa. Whoa. Sorry, I just feel like you’re the only one I can actually talk to. You know you can tell me anything. You know that, right? Okay, here’s something, then. I used to have this fantasy about being a superhero. And it’s all I’ve been thinking about lately. Dude! This is so awesome! – Really? – Yeah. You could totally sell this for, like, a million bucks. Oh, check this out. Study and learn. Thanks. We’ve been talking about me this whole time. – How are you? – Oh, you’ll see something scootin’ around from me soon.

( chatter ) Oh, um… everybody, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Morgan. – Hi. – Morgan, please meet the Millwood Experimental Film Club. Where we watch experimental films. This George, Anna, Madeline, and myself. I mean, you’re also in the club, but you knew that. Thanks for having me, guys. So, what makes a movie experimental? Is it, like, about science or something? ( laughs ) Um, experimental films have nontraditional structures. Oh, cool. Or uncool? Um, I mean, uncool as in a way that it’s cool. I’m excited to be uncool with you guys. Ahem, um, how about we watch the first film? Cool! I mean, yay. ( music playing ) Okay, everyone. I’m gonna be teaching some tough choreography today, so I need you to focus up. Julian, class started ten minutes ago. Sorry, I was waiting for Diana down the block.

I think she forgot about me. ♪ I hear… ♪ You didn’t call me back last night. ♪ And it sings to me… ♪ Okay, enough chitchat, everyone. Get up. We’re gonna start warming up. – Kate: Aunt Bonnie? – Hello! In here! Oh, there they are. Come here, kiddos. – Oh, it’s so good to see you. – You too. You have to help me with these flowers. I just bought them. Aren’t they beautiful? ♪ Another day… ♪ ( music playing ) Cassie, that was great. How did you pick that up so fast? Well, I guess I was just being present. You know, in the moment. Well, it’s working. Everyone, at next class, I want you to be present and in the moment like Cassie. Good job. Hey. So, why didn’t you tell me we weren’t meeting before class? I was meeting up with some friends. Didn’t know I needed permission. ( chuckles ) That’s not what I meant. I just feel like you’ve been avoiding me. I’m just used to doing things on my own. Yeah, but I barely see you. I thought you’d want to spend time together.

– Isn’t that what a relationship’s all about? – I don’t know. Maybe I’m not ready for this kind of relationship. Excuse me. I have… some solo choreography that I need to practice. – Hey, Eli. – Hey. Look, I kinda got to talk to you about something. Oh, my God. – Does my breath smell? – No. It’s just– it was a little bit hurtful how you called the Experimental Film Club uncool. I mean, I get we’re not the most popular club, but… Nobody likes someone new coming in and calling what they like uncool. Yeah. ( sighs ) Oh, my God. I have a plan. Can you teach me how to be– what do you want me to call you guys again? Well, some people would call experimental film or art avant garde. It’s like new or unusual.

Perfect. You’re gonna teach me how to be “on-vant garde.” – “Avant garde.” – “On-vont garde.” – Yeah. – Pew. Pew. Well, now that we are surrounded by all these beautiful flowers, there’s something I need to tell you two. That my bouquet looks better than Kate’s? Ow. Kate, Sam… you know I have cancer, right? Yeah. So, that’s why I’m here. To spend time with the family before I go. But you can’t know that for sure, right? Sam, I was a doctor, remember? I know when it’s time to fight, and I know when it’s time to do what you can with the time that’s left. ( music playing ) ( phone rings ) “Russian for Beginners”? Mr. Lane’s voice: Cassie, I’m worried that you’ve been spending too much time in your head. I call on the North Wind to protect Aunt Bonnie. While I’d love to have the wind at my back, Kate, this is not what I need.

I’m just trying to help. I know, hon. But what would really help is you and me and your brother spending some time together. It’s not magic, but it could still be special. ( music playing ) Milady, if you truly want to be a princess, you must wed yourself to a worthy prince. I decree these rules super lame. I don’t need a prince. In fact, I don’t even need to be a princess to rule. ( music slows, stops ) I have no idea what any of these buttons actually do. I need to go back to Earth. In the sacred space near my wizened tree, I renounce my gift and from this world I flee.

All: It’s time to stop living in a fantasy. Jenna: When I was a kid, I played with action figures. I liked imagining that I was a super hero. And when things are bad, I actually had the power to do something. Now that I’m older, I don’t play with action figures. But I still imagine that I’m a super hero. ( thunder crashes ) ( music playing ) I wanted to talk about Luca. Cassie: Next time on “Total Eclipse”… What are you doing here? Hey, Cassie. Got a minute to talk? Today may be just try not talking as much. Got it. I mean… Cassie, you can dance with Diana. Both: That’s not a good idea. ( music playing ) .

Britain’s Got Talent 2019 Auditions | WEEK 1 | Got Talent Global

Simon Cowell famous in Japan so me. So anyone that you know this cut how you made s definitely yes, that’s foodie It’s called being global. Okay. Good luck We’re helmet First act of the year, let’s go and gather Ladies and gentlemen back on behalf of the Palladium Theatre. I Invite you to stand and welcome That’s what is wrong That’s right, mr. Cow and the boss is finally here It’s so good to see a member of the royal family sitting next to Simon it’s lovely to see you Camilla It is rare indeed for the sovereign to appear on it such an insignificant occasion But as I look down on your wall, I am happy to patronize you Queens of always patronized the arts and the arts have relied upon the support of Queens It is with regret Ladies and gentlemen, I have noted that recently Britain’s Got Talent has suffered enormously there have been far too many below average variety acts and I’m not referring to Alesha Dixon I’m sure you all agreed the plastic is the modern scourge on the face of this planet Of all the men and women of these islands no greater innovation has been made than by our judging panel Who have stored a great amount of plastic in their faces? And thick as well as David Williams have been awarded OBE Simon there is only one thing standing between you and the knighthood and that’s the golden buzzer.

I Have much pleasure ladies and gentlemen and declaring the search for talent in Great Britain, officially open Your majesty what a treat Hello boys, hi, how are you about fine? Thank you. Where are you from? We’re from Dundee in Scotland What’s your day job we are taxi drivers. Ah We are the singing cobby’s singing cabbies. Okay. Good luck. No presure They must be lies burner driver Somewhere Got to be bird flying higher in the sky More blue if I can dream of a better land Where all my brothers walk hand-in-hand tell me why Oh I wall that song Okay Look, I apologize.

But the truth is it was our tune and it did sound more like you were shouting rather than singing, okay? He didn’t sound great The vocals were really picky It just felt a bit corny. I’m sorry. Okay. Yeah, it’s gonna be in no today, but thank you boys so much for coming Hi Sudeep anybody use a taxi Well, that’s two minutes of our lives we’ll never get back thanks. Hey for two, please Oh Deep breath you can do this. Hello. Hi there. Hello. What’s your name? I’m Deb Nepali and I’m the head teacher flake-free primus killer and this is our choir So tell me about the choir and how long they’ve been singing together Probably since September we’re a real eclectic group. We’ve got ranges from four all the way through to eleven. Some are amazing singers Some are just enthusiastic So, what’s the big dream for this quiet read and write is important at school But the kids had a dream this one in assembly said she want to go on Britain’s Got Talent and here we are Why did you want to come on Britain’s Got Talent because I love singing Oh, we’re all rooting for you.

Good luck. Thank you very much We are Good when you wet it, yeah could have gone conduct Really proud of you what have you’ve done right? You were amazing kids. Let’s go for it. Yeah smile Dudes dress the gold. Damn it Brett That was absolute chaos and absolute joy I think you are so important to kids this age to remind them you Know to have fun your joy that you radiate. It is infectious and This to me is what Britain’s Got Talent Cave it It’s just one of the most joyous things I’ve ever seen I think you’ve just made all our heart soared today and it’s what you want Your childhood to have been like and what you want your children’s chart to be like which is just full of unbridled Great they’re a great great teacher.

Well done everybody Well done in there come on Well done guys It’s a yes from me Hello welcome to Britain’s Got Talent, thank you what happened to your tops So, please tell us the name of your act Vardanyan brothers, so that’s your surname and your brothers. How old are you boys? 28 30 years. Where are you from originally? We are from Armenia, but we living in Moscow. Oh Well, I’m intrigued is what you’re going to do. The stage is yours I Like how business yeah, they look like superheroes out she didn’t Seeing the Gymkhana Manny, I’m sure yeah Oh golly No Oh, there’s no at this mall Floors You Hi, what’s your name? I’m Jimmy Tammy.

I’m from Devon. I’m 64 years old. You look amazing Jimmy did you bring anyone with you? I’ve got eight children. I’ve got five the partners got three and She’s here with two of my kids Jimmy what do you do for a living? I’m a Professional ventriloquist of invention of crystal over 40 years. I’ve done pub sink labs even children’s birthday parties Okay, the stage is yours Jimmy good. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, I need help from a couple of people and any volunteers Will be please help me. Welcome to stage David and Amanda Hey man, though, thank you you just face this way guys and I just stick this around your chops Amanda. What’s that? Oh wow Just a beautiful fit. Would you both like to turn around? Liam and there you are a George dropping So Tiffany hobbies I thought are these you’ve got obvious over. Yeah. What should I do? I like skipping So there’s some skipping here tonight David, I’d love to Aren’t you fat man that we’ve got some skipping music really good Another hobby what should other hobby David? I like ballet dancing I love to go Dali dancing or lovey We like to belly dance tonight I’d love to Thank you what I just remembered was that David I got another hobby You know what it is I try to think I Don’t know other I’ll be asking rocky David striptease Music here we go.

Nice and sexy Yes, I am Sorry then sorry then Yeah healthy Good in it What do you reckon baby yes for me Hello my love, who are you my name’s Siobhan Siobhan Phillips, I am 42. I know I don’t look it And I’m from Wakefield And Shabat, what is the big dream I’ve been a performer for a long time And I feel like I would love it.

If I had a venue where people have paid to come and see me Do you know what I mean? I do So I don’t I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there’s a pianoforte Behind me Anna. I’m gonna sit down I’ll get further away, but you’ll still be able to see me What I’ve done I’ve written a song because a couple of years ago I became a mom for the first time I thought to myself what other awaits on Fox a I’m really old and tired and now I have a baby So I wrote a song because they always say she write songs about subjects with which you are familiar but I couldn’t think of a melody around cake, so Put a little song together And yeah, I hope you like it you can join in but you won’t know it because I’ve written it so Had a baby at 40, what did I do I haven’t slept since I look 102 a pile.

Don’t wait they say when is it? As sometimes wish that I’ve become Then she smiles And I do it all again, but I think I’d skip the toddler years I Going to the loo alone would be a special treat to read my Kindle On the beach. I need to join the gym again. He paints me throw up beards. I accidentally put my brother backwards To scream but unleashes far too young to discuss the prexy deal Keeping all my bits cross she’ll be Eric Powell’s wife What’s your name nice to meet you Vaughn where you from Okay, what’s the big dream run So lovely move us Hello hi very nice to meet you, what’s your name, please? My name’s Eve Derek.

I’m 62 years old If you do this you go, it’s pretty much gonna come back. Okay. Good luck. Thank you Good luck Freddie Oh, it’s just a little little boy I asked my mother what should I be? This is what you said to me, come on, hey The future The future I didn’t people like you It’s brilliant You made me smile, but I didn’t like the vocals I’m sorry Steve What you have in spades steve is huge sex appeal Timmy what I like the little hip movement you had going on bum I’m saying no Say yes from me Simon where I really think the audience a passion about something The audience has spoken you got reassess Just beautiful Let’s give our one viewer what they want It’s our special dance.

Oh Dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. He loves you. Really, right Well done come on Steve good luck, buddy. We’re gonna do this You are the man Given a small stake Did you see that Welcome what’s your name, please Elizabeth Elizabeth Just Elizabeth why have you come on Britain’s Got Talent Because I want to show you something special and try and make the impossible possible Well, the stage is yours Elizabeth Theaters of London’s West End. It’s said to be haunted by many ghosts In 1919 the great Harry Houdini Appeared on stage and offered a large cash sum for anyone who could prove the existence of them Amanda I’d like you to take this journal in your left hand and I’d like you to come with me I’m scared Legends have said That spirits departed walk the halls and stores of the theaters of London It is said to be good luck to see ghosts for a performer for others So much Looks good That’s on the stage Amanda please take a seat These photographs are of people who have lived and died over 100 years ago I’m gonna creep down Can you hold out your left hand like this Now in a moment, I want you to count these photographs face down onto the table one at a time When you place them down you’re going to feel a connection to one When you feel that connection I want you to stop and to place that photograph face down into this cigar box Look at the photographs each and every one is different, but you were drawn to one and you don’t know why Open the cigar box and take out the photograph that you chose Turn it over and read out what it says Agatha Turner 1860 Before this all began I gave you a journal that’s over 100 years old Open the page.

I’ve bookmarked and read out the paragraph that I’ve circled in red Mr. Turner was born in the 1800s. She loved visiting the West End to be entertained. She tragically died in 1860 and her ghost team is said to haunt the theaters that she once loved Amanda this moment was always meant to be Look over your left shoulder Oh God Oh Oh Here we go This is only the beginning Hi hello guys, how are you? Oh, we’re very well. Thank you in yourselves. Very good. What’s your name? We are high five high five Everyone loves a high five.

Everyone loves a high five. Yes But we want to be wowed so go for it, good luck Put the fourth better way to get it better fitness for they’re giving a minute and then check in a new city kids Put our hands up All alone He didn’t high-five each other off to the performance Oh outside Will you buzz from no problem Pete? I didn’t think this was clever. I think we’ve seen it over before So for me it was pointless You apologize to that sofa right now I Can see a future with DFS You know, it was a little corny and the outfits are horrific by the way what’s gonna ask who does your style You know, I really liked your energy I’m gonna kick this off for the yes I’m gonna say no Mandie. It’s a yes for me Well The return of the ledger What’s a big? Thank you to our best friend Steve.

Mahone best friend Steve Mahone This is the year where you make you cruise those lives. They’re me final Simon movie for you David David. What’s what’s he got in store? He’s coming here. It’s coming this way I’m excited. Yeah, I’m very yeah Cuba truck. Yes The British Here are some of David’s of best moments David shocked the world with a spectacular impression of ex politician David Blunkett, I Wish to pull down your Island on the three stalks. I don’t want to tune in there But the judges didn’t like it The next year David topped this by popping out of a box But the judges didn’t write it Wow to talk to us David puts on the dress Actually Anton back get David some milk because David lush milk Actually prefer double whiskey from honest You nail it David but the judges didn’t like it I Just wanting to go through that’s all I want to top that with finally here audition number 10 Brace yourselves I’ve spoken to Kim Jong hoon on the phone This is a locket man and the Commission on the struggle greed along Versailles On the back set you know why I found you a Scottish We all stand together Thank God Pressure was on County I love people that never give up and you are a testament to that for me, it was like a celebration of rubbish One of the nicest contestants we’ve had over the years I think we need we need to vote.

Let me start this off with a big fat. Yes Is still No I have to say yes Can you get your phones out and put your lights up Service he’s always next year You are on the line Choate of itv2 Was even didn’t quite state as he does not the avid oppressor Once you sign them from their work everybody, okay. Good luck. See. Thank you You .

YOU WON’T DO IT! Challenge Part 2

(squeaking) – If I never come out again, it’s your fault. I can’t! In today’s video, we do the You Won’t Do It Challenge! But before we get started, subscribe to our channel, and give us a big thumbs up! – Hi, Soty family! – All right, guys! Today we’re bring you part two! – Of You Won’t Do It Challenge! – All right, guys! Four people in our family have been eliminated so far. – So that means there’s four left! – So here’s a little recap on who’s out of the game.

So Taylor, you won’t win your soccer game. That means, if you don’t win, you’re out! Um, guys, the game’s over, and guess what the score was? Two to zero! And Taylor didn’t win! – I lost my game! So I’m outta this challenge. Not fair, Stephen! (music) Blake says you won’t ride the rocket. – The rocket? Uh… no! (music) – Parker, you won’t ride the haunted house. – Yeah, I will! – Uh, I thought she was too scared. – Guys, after waiting in line forever, Parker got a little too scared for the ride. So guess what? You’re outta the challenge! (music) – Dad, you won’t win the game! – Like, a carnival game? – Of course! You won’t win! – Ready? (pop) (pop) Shoot! (laughter) (pop) Oh! – So close! (pop) – Oh, I thought I won ’cause I popped two balloons.

I lost! I get nothing! (music) – We’re the eliminated ones! – But it’s our job to eliminate the rest of them! – Never! (upbeat music) – I know exactly what works with these kids. Jordyn, you won’t put that bike away when I ask one time. – I will! – Will you put the bike away? – Yes. – I’m wondering if she’s really gonna do it? We’ll see about that.

That has literally never happened in my entire life. I knew it was too good to be true. – What? Jordyn, hurry! You’re gonna be out! – No, she is out! Jordyn, will you put the bike away again? Elimination squad, one. The rest of them, zero. – Yes! – We’re bad to the bone. – I cannot believe that Jordyn got out so easily, but actually that is a good thing for Blake and I, because that means one less person to compete for the winning title! All right, Blake and Stephen, we are the only ones left. – You two girls don’t stand a chance! – Stop! Mom, you won’t go down the slide head first. – Really? That slide? – Yes! And head first! – I don’t even know the last time I went down the slide, let alone head first! – Come on, Mom! – Oh no, guys. I am really doing this. But I don’t want to be eliminated so here goes nothing! ‘Kay! (laughter) Oh my God! I did it! And I’m stuck.

– Stephen, you won’t get in this baby swing! – I got this! My legs won’t go through the holes, but… (grunting) – You must try to get in the baby swing! (creaking) – If I never come out again, it’s your fault! (groan) I can’t! – Here you go, sweetheart! My little baby! – Why you not? You act like Blake! – Here you go, my little baby. – I can’t move my legs. – Is this fun? – This is so uncomfortable! – Least you’re not eliminated, Stephen! – I think there’s only one way out of this! (laughter) – I’m stuck! (laughter) (sigh) – Blake, you won’t climb this rock wall! It’s too far! You won’t do it! Look at me! I can do it! (grunting) (babbling) – Um! – She’s climbing down! There you go! – Come here! Good girl! Blake! She did it! – Um, what did you call yourselves? The elimination squad? You guys are failing! All right guys, so I know that I am not a part of the elimination squad, but I wanna win, so Stephen? You won’t stand on our new front porch and sing at the top of your lungs! In front of the neighbors! – Oh, I will.

Who do you think I am? Chicken? (clucking) (clearing throat) Let it go! Let it go! Can’t hold it back anymore! – Stop, stop, stop. Okay, this is embarrassing! Stop, you did it. You passed. Go, go! The neighbors are looking! Well, he passed! Let’s go. – Um, I bet you won’t go down to that dark, cold storage room. – What? – Alone. – No, it’s so scary! (evil laughter) – Oh guys! This is scary! ‘Kay, I’m not getting eliminated! Here I go. Hello? Hello! Am I all alone? Okay! (loud exhale) ‘Kay, my idea is to make it quick, and fast, and painless. Run down, run in, run back out. And don’t get scared! (heavy footsteps) It’s gonna get dark soon! Okay, scariest room in the house. Here, I cannot even see, guys! Okay, okay.

Oh no. Okay, okay. I made it, the start of the corner! Okay, I’m going! I did it! I did it! I’m not eliminated, and I’m getting outta this place! – Stephen, you won’t run through these sprinklers! – I won’t ever give up! (yelling) – You can go faster than that! – I am so wet! – You’re not getting in my car. – Stephen, you wouldn’t buzz your hair. Look at this thing! – I’m growin’ it out! – Stephen, it’s your choice. If you don’t do it, then it’s me and Blake! What’re you gonna do? – Fine, I do it! – I say we shave Mom’s head. – No! (music) – I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this! I can’t do this, I can’t do this! I can’t do this! Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! I am not buzzing my head! – All right, guys! Guess what that means? It’s me and Blake left for this awesome challenge! I’m totally gonna win! – It was not worth it at all.

– Um, Stephen, what was it that you said at the beginning of this video? – You two girls don’t stand a chance. – Um, us girls are the only ones left! – It’s the final showdown between Mom and Blake! – Why can’t someone just challenge me to, like, eat ice cream or something? Come on, guys. Step up your game. – You won’t feed me ice cream. – No! No, that’s not fair at all! No, that backfired! Caramel? I like caramel. – Oh no, there’s only enough left for, like, one person! – No, that’s not! – One fat person! – That’s a lot there! Fine, I’m gonna do it! I’m not gonna lose this challenge.

– You’re feeding Stephen, right? But which one? We’re both Stephen though! – Guys, this makes me really sad! (sniffing) Smells so good! – Mmmm. (laughter) – There’s your ice cream! – Blake? You won’t dive into the ball pit! – Sink or float! (squealing) – You wanna go in the ball pit? (whimpering) – No! (crying) – I guess that’s a no. – She will not do it! – No! – We won’t make her do it then. – Well, Blake won’t go in the ball pit, but I will! (balls clacking) Does that mean that I win? – She’s the winner! – Did I win? I won! Yay! How dirty are these ball pit balls? All right, guys, well that’s it for today’s video. Part two of You Won’t Do It, and guys? I won! – Should we play this game again, guys? – Subscribe to our channel! – Comment below! – Give us a big thumbs up! – And we’ll see you guys tomorrow! – Bye! (upbeat music) .

His Dark Materials: Season 1: Official Teaser | HBO

You once asked me what evil was. MAN: There are things that you’re better off not understanding. I promised to do everything I could to protect you. Protect me? From what? MRS. COULTER: In every child’s nightmare, there’s an element of truth. MAN 2: The powers of this world are very strong. MAN 3: They are stealing children. This is war. Who is willing to fight for true freedom? Now is the time to choose a side. (ROARING) .

Random Thoughts (Part 2 Edition)

Welcome back to random thoughts! This time part 2 edition. I wanna talk about random things that cross my mind but can’t stretch them into their own videos, so I’m shambling them all together to make a weird video that’s a whole caboodle of nonsense. If you haven’t seen my first random thoughts video… you don’t need to watch that one first to understand this one. Thinking about it, you could pretty much jump in at any point of either of these videos, and you’ll be fine since it’s nothing but a melting pot of balderdash. Thesaurus.com is giving me a rainbow of colorful words today. Poppycock. Are there limits to what you can call a fork? There’s three pronged forks and four pronged forks; Can a knife be classified as a one pronged sharp fork? You use them both to stab things. Well, I guess knives are more slicing and cutting. Can a sword be classified as a one pronged super sharp fork? Those things were definitely both created to stab! Can a fork fall in the category of a tiny, really dull, four pronged sword? Is there a spectrum of fork to knife to sword? Back in like, the renaissance era, what if rivals said: “Sir, I challenge you to a super sharp one pronged fork duel!” Or even…

What if: “Sir, I challenge you to a dull four-pronged tiny sword duel!” “Oh no! He brought a less dull, tiny one-pronged fork sword!” So you know bananas? Those yellow things? I don’t know about your life, but I always grew up not eating any bruises on bananas. There’s nothing wrong with bruised bananas. They’re the same as any normal non-bruised banana. I think.. I just did research, as in the first result on Google, and it says for bananas to ripen, they start to make a hormone called ethylene. which sounds like an ingredient in gasoline, but it’s not! It’s what turns bananas from their super gross green bitter phase, to the softer, sweeter, and quite frankily more superior yellow phase. Yay ethylene! But apparently, ethylene doesn’t know how to chill out, so even when a banana’s at the perfect ripeness, the ethylene is like: “Mmm, no. I think we can keep going. I think we can be EVEN MORE RIPE! “What’s the worst that can happen?” So, the banana just tries to infinitely get more ripe, which is what eventually turns it mushy and brown. No, ethylene! And isn’t that just a metaphor for life? You can’t endlessly taste the image of banana perfection you have in your head, little banana.

You should try to stop and appreciate the ripeness you’re at every once and a while. Or else you’ll keep working toward something unachievable and get… all… mushy. BANANA BODY POSITIVITY! Unless you’re a green banana. Then I hate you. So the dark spots are basically just the banana starting to get too ripe, which means they’re harmless. But they used to freak me out a lot, so I’d have to cut them off or something to be able to enjoy the rest of the banana. And then I started thinking, what if there was a banana monster that ate humans? Would they want to eat the bruises on humans? “Aw, splits. This one has a bruise on it.” “You know those parts are still edible, right?” “I ju-I… I don’t like them.” “I think they taste gross.” *sigh* “Here, you can just cut off the bruises, it’s fine.” “Let me just use this one-pronged fork of mine, and…” This started off all sciency and informational. And then I think I ruined it. Since you brought up the topic of bananas! I was at a store checkout line one time, and this guy got in queue behind me.

I didn’t think anything of it… until I saw this river of bananas scroll up to the register? Imagine- so- y’know how grocery stores have their bananas on display, and underneath the display sometimes there’s more boxes of bananas? He had, like, four of those banana boxes, all laid out on the conveyor belt. I’ve never seen anyone buy that many bananas before. You know you have to eat all those in a certain amount of time, right? With the ethylene and all that? Is this your first time buying bananas? I looked up to see who this hero of a man was, and we made eye contact? And I didn’t know what to do, but I felt like I had to say something because I was so proud of him? So I just went- Yeah. Bananas are my favorite too. What are fish’s opinions on water currents? Do you think they think they’re annoying? “Welcome home, fish dear!” “How was your day at the offish?” “Ah, fish wife. The currents were pretty strong today.” “I was swimming to fish work and the currents swished all my fish papers out of my fish hands-” “I mean fins- so I was late.” “Our fish neighbor, Benja Fish, crashed into me on my way as well.

Currents were too strong for his feeble fish body.” “You know him in this old fish age.” “Oh, fish frick.” “Fish wife! There’s no need to use that type of fish lang–” *pssh* This is stupid! But are strong water currents for fish the equivalent to, like, strong wind for us? Wind is my least favorite weather! People with long hair can understand. Or do you think they’re more like fun amusement park rides? Or, at least, slides? Like in Nemo when they were with the high turtle? That seemed like fun. I can imagine a fish charging fish money to let other fish go down the river stream, or, a little waterfall. Fun for the entire fish family! FISHNEY WORLD. But then I remember those clips of salmon trying to swim upstream against the water to go have babies, and that whole ordeal just seems like an inconvenience. Especially because… bears… OH FISH FRI- Are we all just brains wearing human meat suits? Let’s pretend there’s a Fountain of Youth somewhere, let’s pretend that’s a real thing.

Do you think that if you sat in it too long that your fingers would get wrinkly? Ha! Get it? Because water makes your hands… Do you think if you sit in it for too long, you’ll eventually just turn into your mom and dad because before you became a human baby that’s how you originated? If you wait even longer do you become your grandparents? Can you keep going until there’s several medieval villages of ancestors sitting in this fountain? Can we reach amoeba phases?? RNA and the primordial soup??? THE UNIVERSE ITSEL- I talked about keeping a little list of these random thoughts as I think about them over time in part one, and this point just says, “why are bugs always pregnant” with no other context? So, I don’t know what to talk about here or what past Jaiden was even thinking when she wrote that.

As a kid I would daydream a lot. In fourth grade, sometimes I would make up this scenario in my head where I would be in school like any normal day, and in the middle of class I would magically be turned into a dog. Stay with me here. I’m not a furry. So I was transformed into a dog somehow and I imagined that I’d get up from my desk, walk up to the teacher, and say, “Can I go home?” “I’m a dog.” And that would be my excuse to get out of school. RED! Gramps! Smell you later! So what’s it like to be a normal kid? I feel like the majority of people would just try to pretend they’re sick or something! Me? *pfft* Nah! Being turned into a dog would be the most logical and easiest way to get out of school. I didn’t even have a follow up plan for after I got out of class! I’d go home? And then what… just be a dog for the rest of my life? Obviously I had to be a dog that talked, so maybe I would have became a super-famous talking dog? But scientists might want to take me away and run tests on me and my weird human dog brain.

“All I wanted to do is get out of class!” I’d probably end up daydreaming about turning back into a human to get out of dog experimental lab class. Or I could just pretend to be sick like a normal science experiment test subject… So a few videos ago. I talked about wanting to collect those three poke dolls and guess what your girl did! I finally found them, and they’re sitting on my desk, and they’re my greatest achievement! I found a Sceptile a while ago, but like a week later I found someone selling all three at the same time, and I was like “WHOA OKAY here we go!” At first I asked if they could just tell me the Blaziken and Swampert, and they said no, and I was like UGHH, but I bought them anyway.

So I have this extra Sceptile Poke doll and I decided to just give it to someone. So I’m gonna do a little fun game. If you want the Sceptile poke doll, just tweet me a funny reason why I should pick you to send it to you, and the funniest tweet or the tweet I like the best will win. And do, like, #JaidenDoll, so I can semi organize everything. I’ll choose the winner in like three days. (SPOILERS IT’S ME) Last time I asked you to tweet me stuff, Twitter was like, “WHOAAAAA You’re getting a crap ton of notifications,” “how ’bout you chill for a bit?” and I was like NO, Twitter, when I say I want pet pictures, I want to see the pet pictures. That was a really fun week. Also one last thing real quick- There’s new holiday Christmas merch in the shop if you dig that kind of stuff? And everything’s gonna be 25% off for a while so yeah, that’s cool. Thanks for listening and can’t wait to see my Twitter be a mess for another week.

Bye .

My Girlfriend Went Missing But Reappeared After 2 Years

Hi fellas! I’m Brian, and I want to tell you how my girlfriend went missing, I almost went crazy, and two years later, I received a message from her. Since childhood, it’s been hard for me to communicate with other people, I felt uncomfortable in the company of other people, and I`m afraid of big crowds. This is called Social Anxiety Disorder or simply social phobia. The modern world allows me to live comfortably with this disease. Everything I need can be delivered to my house, I can take college classes at home, and communicate with friends via the internet. By the way, chatting with friends is not a problem at all, because I don`t have friends. The only people I communicate with is guys from a group with a similar problem as mine. Through this group, I met Alice. She’s 17 years old, she is very beautiful, and she’s also funny.

Sometimes, I even wondered how she might have problems with communication, because she is very energetic and joyful. And I was even more surprised about why she wanted such a weird long-distance relationship with me. She lived in New York, on the other side of America. But I didn’t complain. We spent a lot of time together, chatting with each other and making video dates. In general – we had as healthy a relationship as two social phobic people could get. One day, she told me that her parents were going to move to China, and that they were taking her with them. She convinced me that the only thing that would change in our relationship was the time zone, but I still felt something ominous, as if a really close person was leaving me. The day of departure arrived.

She literally informed me about every step: “We left the house,” “We got into the taxi,” “We arrived at the airport.” The last message I received from her was, “We just boarded the plane, going to turn off the phone. Next message you’ll get will be from China.” The flight was long, and I waited a long time for a message from her, but nothing came. Not even the next day. I became worried. What if something happened to her? I checked all the flights from New York to China. All the planes had landed successfully. Then I spent the whole day reading the Chinese news and looking for headlines with accidents. But I didn’t find anything, and this made me even more nervous. One day later, I decided to take action: It was scary but I overcame my social phobia, left the house, and went to the police. I didn`t even know what I was going to do there, but I couldn`t stay at home any longer. When I entered the station, I asked the on-duty officer: “Sorry, this is very urgent, my girlfriend is gone, you have to help me!” – I began to get very nervous.

The policeman sat me in a chair and calmed me down. He asked her name and where I last saw her. “Alice. She was in New York, I dated with her online, and a couple days ago, she flew with her parents to China, and since that time she hasn’t gotten online. Something happened to her!” The policeman must have thought that I was just some weird guy who was duped by a girl he met on the internet and he said that they couldn`t do anything because she flew away with her parents, so, technically, she’s not missing. But if something happened to them in China, then this can be found out through the US Consulate in China. That was my next step. I wrote a request to the consulate, but due to the fact that I am not a relative, it is prohibited to give me any information unless I prove that I am not a stranger to their family.

That was the problem. We were in a relationship for one year, but all we had in common was a Messenger chat with a bunch of memes and thousands of minutes of FaceTime calls. No pictures together, no other contacts, I don’t even know what her parents look like. This was first time that I realized we were just ghosts in each other’s lives. The consulate refused my request. At that moment, I was angry at everyone on Earth. Nobody cares about anything. That’s why social phobia exists. Because people are evil and selfish! I was desperate. My last chance was a private detective, he`d at least do it for the money, after all. I found a detective online, described my problem, told him everything I know. He assured me that everything would take a week, max. Every day I was on pins and needles. I was nervous all the time, I slept poorly and completely lost my appetite. I felt like soon I’d at least find out what had happened.

The detective’s call woke me up early in the morning. He told me something I didn`t expect to hear at all: Alice and her parents did not leave America. I asked the detective “What? Are you sure?” “Absolutely. They flew to another state, but returned two days later.” I was shocked. Why then is she not appearing online? Why did she lie to me? What`s going on? I was very angry and I wasn`t going to leave it like that. I wanted an explanation, so I bought a ticket for the next flight to New York, and at the very next day I was there. To be honest, I didn`t even think about what I would say to her. I just wanted to see her, and look into her eyes. I took a taxi to the address that the detective gave me. When I arrived, I felt like my heart began to beat really fast, I was very nervous.

Here it is – the moment of truth, now I will get my answers. I knocked on the door, but no one answered. I knocked again, but nobody was there. I was getting very angry, and just started banging on the door. An old lady from the next apartment heard the noise and walked into the hallway. I asked her: “Are your neighbors at home? I’m looking for my girlfriend, Alice. ” The woman told me that I was too late: her parents took Alice to the airport this morning. She’s going to go to college in another state. I felt so bad at that moment.

How could she do this to me? Couldn’t she just tell me the truth? Why did she make up this story? There were so many questions and I had zero answers. I decided to just go back home and forget the last two weeks, like a nightmare. It’s now been two years. And a lot of things have changed. Now I`m studying at college like a normal student, I have a girlfriend, and no – not an online girlfriend.

She is my classmate. Why am I still telling this story? Because it’s not over yet. Recently, I received an email from her, it said “It`s Alice, read this, please.” I was very surprised, and at first doubted whether I should read it. But I decided to open it. In the letter she apologized for having disappeared like that. She wrote: “I couldn’t just break up. I felt so sorry for you. So I decided to just disappear.

I thought that if you believed that I was in another country, you wouldn’t be able to look for me. I decided to do this because it was a chance to start a new, healthy life. But I felt guilty about it.” This time I wasn’t angry. On the contrary, if this hadn`t happened, I would still be sitting at home with my social phobia. But I overcame it because I wanted to find Alice. I don’t feel offended by her or mad at her, I even feel grateful to her, because now I have a great life and I’m happy.

I hope you enjoyed watching this story. Do you think it’s better to break up or just disappear? Did Alice do the right thing? Write about it in the comments! .

Palm Tree Montage – Me and My Grandma (Ep. 1) | MyLifeAsEva

(YouTube Red Jingle) (funky music with a strong beat) – It looks so warm in Calabasas. – Why are Kim and Khloe always eating salads out of plastic containers? What about that fancy Blac Chyna they’re always talking about? – They eat out of plastic containers because they’re always on the go. – But, what exactly do they do, besides make the chubby lesbian cry? – Grandma, no, that’s Rob. And they’re famous for being themselves, although I’m not sure if I’d like that. I mean, everyone wanting to know everything about you, like what you did on vacation or how you survived high school. – People will watch anything. – If I were famous, I’d wanna be known for my acting abilities, and keep my real life a mystery. Like an approachable Natalie Portman. – Go outside. This is all you’ve done the past week.

– Mom, Grandma needs to see this if she’s gonna watch tonight’s premiere with me. – It’s called “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, I gotta be caught up. – Did you send your resume to Holt, Hughes and Stanton? – What’s the point? I mean why didn’t you let me major in theater like I wanted to? Who’s even an accountant anymore? – I’m an accountant. – And you’re sure your firm isn’t hiring? Maybe it’s time to get creative. Kim Kardashian used her butt to get her whole family careers. – Don’t you want more out of life? – I want three Oscars, a house on the beach, and a headboard that looks like an aquarium. I’ll send out my resume tomorrow. – You know Janey, you don’t have to just sit here on the couch with me. – Look! Palm tree montage. God, how cool would it be to see a palm tree IRL? – Hey, hit pause. I love sitting on this couch with you more than anything. – Are you breaking up with me? – You need to want more. You’ve been stuck in a rut ever since you moved back after school. And we both know you’d make a terrible accountant.

Janey, just go get that aquarium bed right now. – I think Al’s Pet World is closed. – It’s a metaphor. – So, what, you think I should just move to Hollywood and start acting? – See, you already know what you want. – It’s been my dream my whole life, but I’m not sure– – Don’t finish that sentence, we hate the end of that sentence. The end of that sentence is the enemy. – But Grandma. – No, you’re good. I hear you in your room doing that monologue from the vampire-werewolf movie. – I don’t do that. Anymore. – If my granddaughter wants to see some palm trees, she’s gonna see some damn palm trees. – Well, there was this casting website I used to look at. – Really? Oh, show me, now. – Here. Seeking women ages 15 to 25 for a used car commercial. Open all heights, weights, and ethnicities. That’s me! – That’s you! – Do you really think I could do this? – Janey, you’ve wanted this your whole life, if you don’t go now you’ll regret it forever.

– Like the time I got bangs. – Yes, that was a terrible idea, but this isn’t. – I don’t know. (sighs) – You know what? – What? – We could do it together. That’s it! How ’bout if I come with you? – Grandma, you would really move to LA with me? – Wait, what-what’s happening? Why would you move to LA? – To be an actress! Grandma said she’d come with me, right Grandma? – Yeah, you think I wanna watch my daughter-in-law do laundry for the rest of my life? – I love you, too. – You know what I mean. I dreamt of goin’ to LA when I was her age, but I couldn’t I had to stay here because of– – The war. – And it’s so cold and boring here, I could die. You want me and Janey to die here, Barbara? – Death. It’s coming for me. I never thought it would but here we are. By sacrificing my life for his, I’ve finally found peace.

– What is happening? What is this? – She’s doing her vampire-werewolf movie, this is the best part. – But, no regrets, right? Isn’t that what they say? It’s time I accept my fate and leave home. – Just take good care of her, please. – You got it. – I’m talkin’ to your grandmother. – Of course I’ll look after her. And I promise, I will never let her do anything stupid. – I’ll just be here doing two less loads of laundry.

(Mom laughs) (both laugh and cheer) – Should we pack? – No, hit play. First, we have to “Keep Up”, I don’t wanna look like some rube from the sticks when I get to LA. – Oh, and Grandma, Blac Chyna’s a person, not dishware. – Would you gimme that pen? I need to write this down. – All right, are you ready? Once I turn this key our new life begins? – Ah, Janey? Could our new life begin in like a minute? No, make it five. I drank a lota cocoa, I gotta pee! Sorry, Janey! – I’ll wait for you. (old-fashioned music) – There’s something thrilling about peeing in the wilderness, hand me the leaf. Look at us! We’re already bohemian Los Angeles types. – As soon as we get there, I’m going vegan, gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free, and cruelty-free. But not until we try In-N-Out. – I wanna try Botox. (Janey sighs) – Hey Grandma, does this look weird to you? Is this bad? – Nah. It’s a bumper, it’s only for bumping.

We just can’t bump anything. – So, should we, like, put it in the car? – I don’t know, looks kind of greasy. – I don’t wanna get bumper juice all over my new Hollywood clothes. – I have an idea. – No! – Okay. In, in. Okay, that’s it! That’s good. – Is it? – Janey, I have bad news. – You have to pee again? – No, I think we have to say goodbye to our cuddle clothes. – But we’ve had these since season 18 of “The Bachelor”. – Don’t bring up Juan Pablo right now, it’s only gonna make me angry. (Janey sighs) Janey, let’s do this right. My bag? (lamenting music) (music builds to upbeat dance music) – This unit is fantastic, it’s a Spanish villa with a huge roof deck. It has a sunroom, 24-hour gym access, as well as recently restored breezeways. – I don’t know what breezeways are but, I want them.

I wanna feel the breeze. – Poker face, Janey. That is amazing! – Here, we have a modern, mid-century duplex with walk-in closets and a stunning view of the Hollywood Hills. – Literal goals. – It’s a bargain, only forty-five hundred a month. – Yeah, okay. – Oh. – Okay. You know, in a certain light, it’s kind of shabby chic. (air mattress pump whirs loudly) – What about in this light, Janey? – Stop it, we’ll make our own wall art and we’ll build a coffee table out of old books.

Mm, it’s gonna be so Pinterest! Hey Grandma, where’s your air mattress? – My what now? – Your bed. I get the living room, you get the bedroom. – Can I also get your air mattress? – Oh. – What are you people doing? – Janey, get the bat, we’re being robbed. – Grandma, we don’t have a bat. – Calm down, overly dramatic new people. I’m not robbing you. You’re making the building vibrate, her bones are brittle.

– I was just trying to blow up my air mattress. – Careful with that air pump, that’s how the C started flickering. – Oh, so you live here too? – I’m Heidi. Performance artist. My stage is the coffee cart downstairs. – I’m Janey, I guess I’m kind of an artist, too. I’m an actress. – That makes sense. And what, you’re like the stage mom? – That’s sweet, I’m the stage grandmom. We’re like sisters. – Huh, we’re not. Hey Heidi, what’s up with the cell service around here? – There is none. – I was just trying to map out the route to this car commercial audition I have tomorrow. We just got in from Michigan. – That also makes sense. – So, should she just pop outside for cell service? – You don’t ever wanna pop outside The Ass after dark. – That’s fine. We are resourceful, independent young women. You think I grew up with Google? All I had during the war was a belly full of soup and the North Star to guide me.

– The war? – Don’t ask. That was here when we moved in. – Yeah, I put it there. – Uhn. (upbeat dance music) I will say that based on the color of my urine just now, I’m very hydrated, how’d yours look? – Grandma. – They all look like you. – Excuse me? – No, you’re way prettier, you’re like Cindy Crawford. – So, you think I look 50? – What? Cindy Crawford’s a beautiful super model. She was good enough for Richard Gere, she’s on my list. – I was just saying that you’re pretty like she’s pretty. – Got it.

I’m an old lady with a pre-cancerous Raisinet on my face. – What? No! Let’s start over. I’m Janey, and this is my Grandma. – I am Victoria! – Oh honey, they’re casting basic bitches down the hall. – If I wanted the opinion of a questionably sober old woman, I’d call my mother. And, I’d tell you that you’re not getting the part, but you already know that. Bye. – She was just trying to psych you out, that’s why she threw lampshade. – It’s just shade, Grandma. – Miss Skalecki? – That’s me. Grandma, what are you doing? – Well, I wanna see how it works. Don’t worry, I’ll be quiet as a church mouse. (group of people laughing) – So, cut to we’re on the side of the road, in our wearable blankets, and we look like a couple of Teletubbies and we shove the bumper into the backseat of the car.

(Grandma laughs) So, long story short, bye-bye cuddle clothes. – Long story long, Grandma, I think they’ve heard enough. Should I read? – Janey, Janey, you nailed it. I saw him write something next to your name. – Writing is good, writing is always good. – Yeah! We should celebrate. – What’s the coolest Hollywood hotspot we know? – Oh, you shoulda seen her, Heidi. That car commercial was hers. – God, I really hope so. Grandma’s retirement money’s only gonna last us a month or so. – Just so you know, I normally don’t fraternize with customers during a performance, I’m making an exception.

– Commitment. I love it. (cell phone rings) Hello? Hi. Yes. Oh, oh I see. Well, thanks for calling. – What happened? – That was casting, um, they decided to go in a different direction, so… – Oh, butterscotch? (cell phone rings) Hello? Oh, hi, I– Yes. I, uh… Oh. I understand. Thank you for calling. (cell phone clicks shut) – Who was that? – That was casting. I guess I’m the different direction. – Wait, you mean? – I got the part. – Well this is awkward. For you guys. Sups entertaining for me. You two are gonna be fun. – Take the bag. (guitar music with heavy beat) – Welcome to the Clerb.

Grandma, don’t mimic me. I say that ironically because I’m not wearing a Von Douche hat. This place is lit, let’s rage. – Hell, yeah. I need to pee. – So, we celebrating Grandma’s big role? Should we get her shots? Or are we being petty, I just met you so I don’t know how you roll. – No, I’m thrilled for her. – Yeah, you’re a really great actress. – Nevermind! The line was too long, I guess they’re all doing angel dust in there, right Heidi? – Yeah, it’s an epidemic. – And they’re playing shuffleboard, and all the men have fedoras, and the women are wearing oversized glasses, I feel like I’m in Florida! Maybe they have bingo. – Tuesdays. Grandma, why don’t you order? I wanna see what happens. – Bartender. We’ll have a Tom Collins, a mint julep, and an old-fashioned with three cherries.

– Savage. – IDs? I just meant– sure. – Well, congrats on your first gig, G-Money. – Yeah, it’s super cool. – Are you sure you’re really okay with all this? – For the millionth time, I’m happy for you. (Janey coughs) – Look at you Drunk Kitchen. – Let’s celebrate. – Yeah! I’m gonna get turned. – It’s turnt. – I’m gonna get turnt! (group cheering) Okay! (laughing) Sorry. (laughing) All right. Woo-hoo! – Your grandma is so cool.

Mine just whips me with prayer beads. (sexy dreamboat music) – I’m not a peen queen myself, but if I were you, I’d go talk to him. – Hey, who’s Molly? Everyone seems to be looking for her. – Stay away from Molly, Grandma, she’s dangerous. – Got it. – Ah, where is he? Where did my beautiful wet man go? – He left. Maybe you objectified him too much.

I liked it. (giggles) – I think it’s time for me to go. Can you tell Grandma she has a big shoot tomorrow and to get home okay? – I think G-String can take care of herself. – Oh-ho-ho, yes! (Grandma cheering) ♪ Dan cin’ at the Clerb at the Clerb ♪ Dan cin’ in the Clerb in the Clerb in the Clerb Woo! ♪ Dan cin’ in the Clerb in the Clerb (Janey thuds onto floor) – Grandma, are you drunk? – Oh sweetie, why did you leave early? Are you mad at me? You’re mad at me. – Hmm, let’s see, why would I be mad? You hijacked my audition, destroyed me in shuffleboard, and you didn’t even bring your own air mattress. – Oh. (burps) Excuse me. – You’re not excused. You know, you were supposed to have my back, not be my competition. – I knew you were mad at me.

I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to say, I don’t even know how those casting people got my number. – You were my emergency contact! – Oh, sweetie. Listen, I know that acting is your dream, but it just might be my dream, too. The truth is, the war didn’t keep me from coming to LA, there was no war. – So, you were lying. – Yeah, of course I was lying, how old do you think I am? But, you know how I don’t like to talk about my time in New York and the work I did off-off Broadway, and– – Yeah, ’cause of the beatniks.

– Oh, yeah they were everywhere. Tryin’ to read me their poetry. But still, my time in the theater, that was the most exciting time in my life. I wanted to move to Hollywood, but I was too scared. Uh, boy I hated admitting that out loud. Sitting on the couch with you these last few months, I didn’t want you to make the same mistakes I made, I wanted you to be brave, and you are. – If I’m brave it’s because you made me brave. But, why didn’t you tell me any of this before? – I wasn’t drunk. Look, I thought I was coming out here for you, I figured my ship had sailed. But then we got out here and there were boats everywhere! But you are far more important to me than any silly car commercial. If you don’t want me to do it, I’m not gonna do it. – I don’t want you to do it. – O-oh. Okay. – Grandma, I’m trolling you! Of course, you have to do it. I’m just worried. I’m not a fancy coffee performance artist, I didn’t go to acting school, what if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t get my shot? – Honey, we’re both gonna get our shot.

– (exhales) Ah, Grandma, what if we have to get jobs at the Stop ‘N’ Shop but then you get us fired for selling denture glue and then we can’t get jobs at Best Buy because you have a criminal record and I can’t wear khakis. Oh Grandma, why are you letting me go to this dark place. (Grandma snores) Grandma? (Grandma snores) (birds singing) (Grandma exhales) – Oh, oh good, you’re up. Look, what do you think? – Grandma, no you can’t wear that to the shoot. Or anywhere. – What am I gonna do? – Here. – You think I can pull this off? – That’s your jacket. – I hope they like me, I really wanna do a good job. – Don’t worry, they’re gonna love you. You’re cool. AF.

– What’s a “AF”? – (chuckles) It means super cool. – Oh. – Maybe I should just come with you. – That would be so AF, but first, coffee. – Big shoot today. Break a leg, G-Force. (upbeat dance music) (Janey sighs in wonder) – Grandma, this is real. – Wow. (Janey exclaims excitedly) What’s that, quack mouth? – Duck lips, but that’s out, it’s all about sparrow face, now. (Grandma cackles joyously) (Grandma breathing hard) (people talking in background) (sexy dreamboat music) (music cuts out) (fan blowing) He looks even hotter all windy.

– Go talk to him. C’mon, you’re the smartest, most beautiful AF girl I know. – Maybe let’s not use AF. – Noted. But did I ever tell you about Ethel Rutherford? Well, in high school she was always going on and on about how girls should never approach boys. She practically invented slut-shaming. Do you know where Ethel is now? She got married last month to her cat, Mr. Tuna Mouth. Do you understand what I’m saying? – That Ethel’s last name is now Tuna Mouth? – No, go talk to him. – Ehh! Hi, I’m Janey, are you wet? No, I’m wet. I mean, nobody’s wet, I’m dry, I’m dry Janey.

– I’m Oliver, assistant director. – Sorry, just got into town, I’m super out of it. I’m still on Michigan time. – No way. Check this out. – Is this real life? Are you really unbuttoning your shirt right now? – Go Blue! – You’re from Michigan, too? – Born and raised. Here, so I was in Detroit until the third grade, and then I moved here. – Lansing? – East Lansing, yeah. – Beautiful. – Nice meetin’ you. – Did you get his digits? – No. – What about his phone number? – Wait, ew, what did you mean by “get his digits”? Look Grandma, bumper in the car. – And there’s a girl with her grandma in this script.

They changed it. – Look! Cuddle clothes! – This is us! – Wait, so, they stole our story and they didn’t cast me? To play me? – Let’s get Grandma to the car. Okay everyone! Places in five. – Hey, Oliver? Maybe you could help me. Could you introduce me to the director? I think they may have stole my story, and, um, I auditioned. This part should be mine. – Oh, Um, I’m sure you’d be amazing but actually the– – Hey babe, I had the PA get you a BLT with extra B, and I told ’em that you hate mayo, so if there is any then you should get him fired. (Victoria exhales disgustedly) Why is this little Latin boy staring at us? – Come on, Victoria. This is Janey. – We met yesterday, at the audition? – Oh, I guess you didn’t get the part, ’cause I did.

– Wait, you’re playing me? And you’re dating him? Okay, I– Okay. No. Grandma, they cast someone else to be play me: that overtly sexual mean girl we met at the audition. – What? – Yeah, and she’s dating my beautiful, wet, windy man. – Oh, honey, you didn’t call him that to his face did y– Nevermind! I am just gonna quit. – No-no-no, don’t, you’re a professional. – Ugh, what smells like mothballs in here? – Oh, that tiny nose you paid too much for actually works? – Can you tell your house elf this is a closed set? – Don’t worry, I’m leaving. Could this day get any worse? – Okay, rehearsal. Grandma, pretend to shift the gear. – Okay, shifting. – Uh, Grandma? Grandma? Grandma, no, no! Grandma, Grandma, no! (remixed song with auto-tune audio) ♪ Grandma-Grandma-Grandma no (Janey slow motion exclamation) ♪ Grandma no ♪ Gr-Gr-Gr-Gr-Grandma ♪ Grandma no ♪ No ♪ Gr-Gr-Gr-Grandma no ♪ Gr-Gr-Gr-Gr-Grandma ♪♪ ♪♪ (Select Next jingle) (YouTube Red jingle) .

Parenting 1:01: A Moment in Search

Each night around 1:00 am, Each night around 1:00 am, searches peak for how to help my baby how to help my baby sleep how to help my baby how to help my baby walk how to help my baby how to help my baby play nice “What are you doing?” “You think you can get this?” is my child ready for potty training is my child ready for school “L, E.

That is correct!” is my child gifted “Good job honey!” 2, 1 “that it’s orange… “…sometimes it’s like the moon” why does my kid talk so much “Raquel, Raquel?” why isnt my kid talking to me “Congratulations!” “Oh my god, I got in!” “I got in?” how to help my child succeed how to be a supportive parent how to be a fun parent “Haley, to be adopted by her stepmother” how to be a good parent how to be a good grandparent To everyone who knows parenting never sleeps Search on. Google .