Tag Archives: compilation

Cyanide & Happiness Compilation – #1

*Muffled laughter* *plate shatters* -*Chuckles* Well son, are you ready to open your present? Whoa! *Tears wrapping paper* -Wha…? -It’s your very own pony! Dad, you idiot! I WANTED AN XBOX! *Grumbles* Nuh uh uh! Not so fast, son. This isn’t JUST a pony, for within this pony is the antidote. An antidote you ask? Why; the antidote for the POISON that was in your birthday cake! *Flickers lights and imitates thunder* *Sinister chuckle* Oh yes, that’s right son. You ate a poison! Now you get to choose either to kill the pony to retrieve the antidote, or spare the pony and let yourself DIE! The clock is ticking, birthday boy. *Maniacal laughter* Kill the pony! *Laughs* Yes, yeah son! -*Screams and charges towards pony* *Sounds of stabbing, neighing horse* *Yelps and begins to sob* *Shuffles through horse’s organs* -*Running noises* Happy birthday, son! *Laughs* Well, it would seem that the lesson…

…was more valuable than the present; ey, boy? *Opens fridge* Reach into the back; those are the freshest. I know, I know… *Grunts* Whoa! Okay, I got it. We’re going to need you to power down before takeoff. Thank you! *Attention sound* Welcome aboard Magic Airlines. This is your (uhh…) captain speaking. If you look down the aisle, you’ll see (uhh…) Cindy, who will be… …demonstrating for you the (uhh…) safety features we have on-board your flight. Emergency exits can be found at the front and rear of the plane. Please turn off all electronic devices during this time until it is safe. In case of an emergency, An oxygen mask will dispense from your overhead. To inflate your life preserver, pull on these doohickeys here. That oughta do it.

Magic Airlines appreciates your attention; thank you. *Attention sound* Alright folks, buckle up, I hope you paid attention to our safety features on today’s flight, Because (uhh…) we’re gonna take a little pop quiz. *Plane splashes* “Crowd Gasps” *Screams of fear* *Metal clank, screams from climbers* There’s too much weight! I — I have to cut the rope! *stammers* I’m sorry! WAIT! Let me do it! Whoa! What the fuck, dude?! There’s too much weight; it has to be done. I’m sorry! What makes you think he can hold you?! Trust me, he can! He’s been working out! Tell him I’ve been working out! Well, if anything, can’t we cut the piano off? Huh.

Yeah, that might actually be a good place to start. Whoa, whoa whoa! Slow down! Slow the fuck down! I didn’t come all the way to perform the first sonata… …at the summit of this mountain just to fall off and die! Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sorry, there’s no other way. I..I’m so sorry… Your piano is just too heavy… Your mother’s too heavy! Hey! -You take that back! Make me! *begins to cut* I take it back! *rock crumbles* Guys, I’m slipping! *Dramatic piano music* Haha, nice! Thank you! -Seriously though, we’re all gonna die! Hold on! We’re…we’re gonna figure this out!!! If I may, if you’re still deciding that whole “where to cut the rope” thing, *chuckles* Um, pretty sure the guy below me is a pedophile. I’m a teacher; not a pedophile!!! This is a field trip; I’ve told you guys like nine times! Wait, there’s kids down there? We can’t kill kids! Not just that; they’re retarded kids!!! Oh, God! -This is bad! This is really bad! Hey, uh… can we just cut off the panda bear? -*Whimpers* I should think not! That’s an endangered species! Oh, okay.

Hmm. (to all) What does everyone else think? Drop him. -Ditto. -Kill the panda! Cool; here ya go! Whoops! Well, this is it! *Sad piano music* It’s been an honor climbing with you guys! I’ll see you all in another life! *Music stops, snapping sound* *Multiple thuds and groans* -that’s the knife. *Phone rings* Hi, this is Rod’s Thick Pizza. How do you want it? Hi there. I’m a real lonely girl, and I’m so hungry. I could take ALL the meat you have. Mmm…

I think we could “do it” for you, Would you perhaps like a spicy mexican? Or a hot Italian sausage?… Ooh, I’ll take Italian, with extra sausage. Now ma’am, you know we only do it “deep”… I’m so ready!!! Mmm, good. I’ll be “coming” in thirty minutes. See you then. I’ll be waiting… *Doorbell rings* Hello ma’am, here’s your pizza!!! Aaaaand? Aaaaaand…that’ll be 12.95.

“Shocking breath” *Laughing* “Panicked shout” Alright everyone!!! Let’s get moving!!! Single file, let’s go!!! *Screams* Sorry, we’re only evacuating woman and children first. Hey Hey..mom!! Whaaa. WHAAAA. Whaaaa whaaa! *Struggling Grunt* huuuu, huuuh!!! Alright, we have room for two more. Next. Wah. Ok, climb aboard. Ha, thank’s ma’am (Man voice) No problem -Hehehey, alriiight! -Get this bra off me! *Chattering* *Crying* Doc, give me the good news! How’s my bundle of joy doing? (Low voice) Hmm…No… No that’s…that’s not right at all… Oh no?…Is there something wrong? Uh…

I’m sorry to tell you this, Miss McCloud but… I think you’re feelling what is called a “phantom pregnancy.” The symptoms you’re experiencing are psychosomatic… You simply aren’t pregnant.. WHAT?!! No that can’t be, i know that I’m pregnant i can feel it! Ma’am, I understand that this is very difficult news to hear… But I can assure you that you’re not pregant. -I’m so sorry, I can’t ima… -wuuuuUUUAAAAA I’M GOING INTO LABOUR! AAAHHH Woah woah woah woah, wait, wai..wait, what? How can that happ… Oh o.. o.. ok um… Take deep breath Miss McCloud, uhh… Deep breaths… In, and out In, and out -Haaaaaaa!!! -Ok you’re doing good -AAAAAAH!!!!!! IT HURTS!! -Keep breathing -IT F*CKING HUUURTS!!!! You better watch you’re mouth Miss McCloud, you’re baby’s coming out swearin’ like a sailor! SHUT THE F*CK UP AND HELP ME!!!! Yes of course, Just keep pushing, and focus on the breathing, -Perfect, Just like that… -AAAAAAAH -I think I can see it! -HAAOOOooow SHIT! “Plop” I cannot believe it!!! It’s a boy!!! Well, Ms. McCloud, it seems I spoke too soon! You are now the proud mother of a bouncing baby bo…..

M.. Miss McCloud? Okay, when we break the news to the kids, We need to do it in a way that doesn’t make one of us seem like “the bad guy.” We need to let them know that we still love them…we just don’t love each other. Yeah… you’re right. But, look, it’s okay, I’ll start the conversation… If they have any anger, it will be towards me. They can’t be mad forever. Really? Wow. Thank you Brad. That’s very mature of you. Well… they’ve always liked you more anyway…

Heh… Kiiiids, put you’re toys down for a minute. Your father and I… Your father and I have something to tell you… Kids, your mom and I love you, very much. So very much! You’re just the best kids in the gosh darn world, and we are so lucky to be your parents.. And that’s why, I’M RAISING YOUR ALLOWANCE BY FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS! (Both kids) -Yeaaahhhh! What? -Thank you daddy! -You’re the best dad ever. Brad? What are you doing? Kid’s, you’re not getting a bigger allowance. Your father and I are getting a divorce! WHAT??!! Noo!! M-Mom? Whyyy??!!! -Why are you doing this to us? -Yeah mom, whyyyy? *Cries* You monster!!!!! “Neighing horse” “Country Music” Starly: Can I put it in your butt? Starfy: Can you put it in my what? Starly: Can I put it in your butt? Starfy: Can you put it in my what? Starly: Can I put it in your butt? Starfy: Yes you can! Starly: Thank you Starfy! Haaa…

Pinocchio, you look marvelous. You almost look like a real boy… I wanna be a REAL doll! *Flute Music* *Drilling* “SMS” “whistle music” “Blink” “Whistle” “SMS” “Cash sound” “Whistle” “SMS” “Sad violin music” “Whistle” “SMS” “Whistle” “SMS” “Whistle” “SMS” “Suspense Music” Pfft… “Whistle” “Scream” “Sad piano music” *Whistle music* *Crying bird chirps* .

Drink Up with Daniel – Tosh.0

(crowd cheering) (screaming) Oh my God! (screaming) Oh my God. (screaming) Oh! Mike, go! Mike, go! How you guys doing? Good. I wanted to let you know one of our regulars would like to buy you a round of tequila shock shots. Outstanding. Hey don’t get too excited. First thing I’m gonna need you to do is sign these release forms. Yep. There you go. All right bottoms up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s not how the tequila shock shot works. I need everyone to put on an electric dog collar. Red for the lady. -Seriously? – I will electrocute the (bleep) out of you while you take the shot. When you finish begin barking. Once everyone is barking I will stop shocking you. Bottoms up. All right, all right. That was great. Oh, he wants to buy you another round. – Yeah thank you. – Thank you. They’ll really be shocked to know my dog Roofie’d all of them. You might be unaware that I have my own drink.

A lot of celebrities do. There’s the Arnold Palmer, the Shirley Temple, the Eliza Dushku, yeah. And now, the Toshtini. What’s a Toshtini? I’ll tell you. It’s when you open an expensive bottle of water and immediately pour half of it straight down the drain. Now fill the bottle up with tap water and gently shake. Serve it at room temperature and garnish with a twist of limon, the active ingredient in Sprite. Now go to a bar and order a Toshtini tonight and please enjoy responsibly. I am… Shut up dad. Oh yeah folks. He drinks gravy, deal with it, dad. You got anything else you want to say to the fans? More gravy. Delicious. Ah. With tits like those, who needs a job? Bowl of gravy. Ah yeah folks, a bowl of gravy.

A nice bowl of gravy. Bowl of gravy. Until next time folks. Bye-bye. Bye-bye buddy. Keep on living every day like it’s Thanksgiving. All right so that’s an actually glass of your urine. Very fresh. Very fresh. Looks pretty dark. Looks a little dark. Is it warm? Can I feel how warm it is? Mm-hmm. Ah, it’s a nice temperature. It’s perfect. And you just drink your pee? Finally milk, let’s talk about it. Did you know the milk you’ve been drinking is disgusting and impure? The folks at whitepowermilk.com think so. They go beyond pasteurization to racial purification. They have a room filled with Arian women who do nothing but gargle milk, spit it into bottles and send it to you, the racist insane consumer. Well I did some digging. Turns out that company is out of business or maybe fake.

But I’m not crying over it, instead I picked up the torch and started purifying milk myself. Thanks. Thanks a lot man. Thank you. .

Happy Wheels – Part 1 | THIS GAME IS MY BITCH

Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, laddies! My name is Jacksepticeye, and WELCOME TO HAPPY WHEELS! Yeah! I finally got around to playing it, I have never once played Happy Wheels before in my life. Ever! Seriously! I’ve NEVER played it, I’ve never even TRIED to play it, But I have seen a lot of videos of it, and I know what kind of game it is and I know what it’s all about…

Uh, but this is a game that I’ve– I’ve wanted to play for a while–I’ve wanted to put up on the channel for a while, but–I don’t know why I kept putting it off but here I am now! Let’s go play okay– I’m gonna go to the user created levels because those are apparently the BEEST… Uh BMX stunt, right off that bat. That’s what caught my eye. I have absolutely no idea how to play this game. Oh my God! Ahhh.. I can do it, I can do it! Oh, I can’t do it, oh! Just— keep going! This seems rather easy, s-should something not be trying to kill me? Oh God… Oh God! This is trying to kill me- OH NO! OH NO LITTLE BILLY! (you won’t love him for long) Oh Billy nohoho… Oh I lost… I lost my little boy. Backflips! Backflips like a BOSS! Okay, your head kind of went into the wheel there for a second… GO GO!!! He’s pedalin’ like a muhfuckah *Stunned silence* What-what the? YEAH! Finished it first try, didn’t even die! First time to ever play Happy Wheels LIKE A BOSS! I’ll go with Billy and Bobby on the bike again…

“Another 10 Ways To Die” I still don’t know what the first ones were! O-Oh my God! I’M SORRY! THE GAME MADE ME DO IT! That was… That was awesome… But it was so bad! “Super Impossible”? Well we’ll just see about that now, shall we? Agh! I don’t know how to pogo! I don’t know how to pogo! How do- How do I pogo? How do- How do I- How do I- Ah! There we go! That’s- *interrupted by Jack breaking a game… Again…* Oh my God… Oh my God I might just actually have like, broken the game… Oh, oh, nope there you go! How do I…? AH! GET OVER IT! Uh… I’m ins-YEAHHHHH! YEAHHHHH! FUCK YOU GAME! I BROKE YOUR SHIT AND I WON! “Super Impossible” my a-hole! Okay here we go, oh oh nupe nupe, OH! OH MY GOD! YOUR LEGS CAME OFF! OH!!! *scared noises* I’M SO SORRY! It’s probably because you’re fat and you can’t fit down between them! Blame you, bitch.

Oh, oh, oh so good, oh so good! AAAAAHHHH! NOT SO GOOD! Oh… I made it down… But just in several hundred pieces… I will not be bested by this. Oh, too fast! *noises of disgust* Just like this… blap OH MY ASS! Ohohohohoh… Ohh I did it again, I’m sorry Betty-AAAH! It’s cause you have big fat tits! Okay, no you’re fine, you’re fine, Betty, YOU’RE FINE! YEAH! YEAHHHHH! THAT’S HOW WE ROLL! Naked girl? And it’s in capital letters, you know it’s good. Oh… Rate five coin things… Five Egyptian hieroglyphics… And she will spawn naked and sucking your private… I’m going backwards, I’m going towards the secret.

*yet another quiet gasp* YOU DICK! LOOK AT BILLY! LOOK AT BILLY YOU PINNED HIM TO THE WALL! Bobby’s got bolts (you mean harpoons?) up his ass… Oh, I’m gonna kill this bitch. DIE! Yeah. *jackigiggles* There’s someone sitting on the toilet back there. Oh! Oh Billy, your arm! It’s okay, you didn’t need them anyway, you were going to be a soccer player, not a baseball player! Walalalalala Ahhh… Do it! YEAH! BACKFLIPS! I don’t think I was supposed to be out there… Okay! Next level! *mcjack is not lovin’ it* (When you gross the fuck out of Jack, he looks like this.) Oh, it’s like soil and green! Oh! How the-How the hell do I get into the box? *chicken jackaboy* AH NO! *DEAD* Oh…

Sorry-Sorry Bobby… Billy. Which one are you? Bobby. You’re Bobby. Can I like, grab with my hands or something? Nope! Ah! How do I… How do I… How do I… 🎶 How do I live… Without you… 🎶 Do the worm! Breakdancin’ Billy! Bobby… Ah! Oh I CAN grab! Space is to grab! This changes the rules of everything! *training for abs of steel* *panting after that hard workout* *now he’s just making sounds XD* Everyone do the Magikarp! Everyone do the Magikarp! Ooh…

We could be in a great position here… Flop those arms, little Billy-Bobby… YE-HA-HA-HA-AH! YEAH! That is how you make this game your BITCH! What the hell is a sword throw? That sounds amazing! It is gonn- Ohh~ *Slightly worried laughther* Lemme just get that sword out of your crotch. *grunting noises* My arm came off! You have one powerful crotch! (Daaaamn! XD) *Exaggerated throwing sounds* How are you missing everything?! I can’t even grab the sword anymore- Okay. Grab it! Got Santa, in the belly, yeah slow-motion! *Slow “bwaaaah”* How do I get the fuckers behind me? Uhh~. Like that! Oh, that was the best one! *Laughing* He can’t fit into- He can’t fit into the canon! I got them all! I did it! I win! I win the game Dude is still blowing up in the background “99.9999% Impossible” *Strange accent* “EMPOISIBERLEH?” I fucking doubt it! Jacksep- *Interrupted by explosion* I didn’t even get to finish my name! *High pitched* How the-! How in the holy balls are you supposed to do THAT?! Ye-ha-heah! Suck on that, game! OOH YOU ASS! “Obstacle course by Akhilito99” Woo-hoo! Party over here! Ooh yeah.

Uh, like a boss! Like all the bosses that ever were *Worried* Woo-ho. Uhh~ Have some- Have some respect. I have a kid on board! ♪”Baby on board, something something”♪ (Nevermind) *Deep breath* No baby on board anymore, I don’t even have legs! It’s okay, you still have a face, that is all you need Nnnnnnnnnoooo… Let’s do it, Billy! Woah! Billy, I saved you! Aah! We gotta get outta this, Billy! OH-HO-HO-HO NO! I’m still good, right? Right? x1 Right? x2 Right? x3 Right? x4 (WRONG) No…

Oh Billy, nooo! YEAH! Yeaahh~! Suck it, game! 18+ sword throw? Fuck yeah I am an 18+’er. I am all the adult (My eyes! MY EYES!!!) *Nervous laughter* Uh okay, block your eyes Shield your eyes everybody! Don’t look! *Smooth music. ♪Oh yeah, baby, baby♪* *Smooth music. ♪Oh yeah, baby, baby♪* (Who’s getting the presents now?) Oh, I can actually sword throw these guys Stop having sex! *Gasp* Look where I got him! (M-m-m-m-MONSTERKILL!!!) Look where I got him, right in the neck! He’s still having sex though… STOP IT!! I hit the suicide button.

At least it sounds like they’re having fun. *Weird accent* I’m a dinosaur (Dinosaur Count: 1) I’m a dinosaur (Dinosaur Count: 2) Brring I’m a dinosaur! (Dinosaur Count: 3) DIE x1 DIE x2 I’m a dinosaur! (Dinosaur Count: 4) Don’t you know who I am? Oh, Mr. Axe Man. Hello! Outta my way! Ge-ge-ge-ge! Ge-ge-ge-ge! AH DIE EVERYBODY! Oh your head came off! Just like I planned! I’m a dinosaur! (Dinosaur Count: 5) Get outta the way! I am a close relative of Bernie.(Dinosaur Count… 6?) Bernie is my friend. Best music ever! I feel so accomplished Wa! Uh! Ah! I’m not even grabbing balls now. Ha-ha, that’s what she said You see wassup? Do you see wassup? When Jacksepticeye get’s in to play a game, it’s just instant win all around! I fucking win at life! *WTF AM I WATCHING* Es-capé! I’ll escape. I’ll escape real good *Mumbeling* Oh! I can escape! Yeah! YEAH!! YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS?! You thought you had me bested, game! You said, “You know what, Jack? I’m gonna put you in a situation you can’t get out of!” “NOBODY can get out of this situtation!” And Jack came in and he said, “You know what?!” “What’s up?!?” BOOM! Finished the level in fucking 7.6 SECONDS! (its 7.06 seconds) ASSASSIN HUSBAND I’m not a husband yet…

…but if I was, I would be an assassin kind! … Oh, hey! (silly laughter) I think they call this position… T​‌HE BACKWARDS RODEO DILDO BRIGADE AH, NO! I FOR- I missed the axe again! *groans in agony* (in Crocker accent) I sorry wife! I really wanted to kill your friend. (it sounds like Crocker to me) You cheating on me? DAH! Take that knees to the face! Yeah, take that! I’m gonna take your champagne, and I’m gonna break it off the table, and POP YOUR HEAD OFF!! Yeah, you try to sleep with my WIFE?! Take that Billy, you little BITCH! YEAH I GOT IT!!! Gah-hah! GOD!!! I got the axe, and I’m the only one who lost an arm?! That is BULLSHIT! *scream, jackaboy, scream* Yeah, take that! SUPER MAN HUG! Suplex! YEAH I PUMPED YOUR HEAD OFF! You like that, bitch? You like that? HUH? HUH? x2 HUH? x3 This is my head dance! This is how I party with your head, look! *damn fine music* UGH! Gonna hump your head! *grunting* Yeah, it feels so good! Do you like that?! HUH? x4 HUH? x5 DO YA? DO YA??? Well, that’s the end of my Happy Wheels adventures! This game is awesome! This game was designed for me.

This fits my style of… commentary PERFECTLY. But, I hoped you guys liked this! I put it up on Facebook a while ago that I- I was thinking about playing it and a lot of you guys commented on it, a lot more than the comments that I usually get, saying: “yeah jack!” “GO for it!” “play it jack” “DO IT” “It’ll be really good!” So… I hope I did the game justice, but THANK YOU GUYS so much for watching this video! If you liked it, punch that like button UP! THE ASS! LIKE A BOSS! And, high fives all around! *whoops* *whoops* Well, thank you guys and I will SEE ALL YOU DUDES…

IN THE NEXT VIDEO!!!!! .