Tag Archives: funny

Cyanide & Happiness Compilation – #1

*Muffled laughter* *plate shatters* -*Chuckles* Well son, are you ready to open your present? Whoa! *Tears wrapping paper* -Wha…? -It’s your very own pony! Dad, you idiot! I WANTED AN XBOX! *Grumbles* Nuh uh uh! Not so fast, son. This isn’t JUST a pony, for within this pony is the antidote. An antidote you ask? Why; the antidote for the POISON that was in your birthday cake! *Flickers lights and imitates thunder* *Sinister chuckle* Oh yes, that’s right son. You ate a poison! Now you get to choose either to kill the pony to retrieve the antidote, or spare the pony and let yourself DIE! The clock is ticking, birthday boy. *Maniacal laughter* Kill the pony! *Laughs* Yes, yeah son! -*Screams and charges towards pony* *Sounds of stabbing, neighing horse* *Yelps and begins to sob* *Shuffles through horse’s organs* -*Running noises* Happy birthday, son! *Laughs* Well, it would seem that the lesson…

…was more valuable than the present; ey, boy? *Opens fridge* Reach into the back; those are the freshest. I know, I know… *Grunts* Whoa! Okay, I got it. We’re going to need you to power down before takeoff. Thank you! *Attention sound* Welcome aboard Magic Airlines. This is your (uhh…) captain speaking. If you look down the aisle, you’ll see (uhh…) Cindy, who will be… …demonstrating for you the (uhh…) safety features we have on-board your flight. Emergency exits can be found at the front and rear of the plane. Please turn off all electronic devices during this time until it is safe. In case of an emergency, An oxygen mask will dispense from your overhead. To inflate your life preserver, pull on these doohickeys here. That oughta do it.

Magic Airlines appreciates your attention; thank you. *Attention sound* Alright folks, buckle up, I hope you paid attention to our safety features on today’s flight, Because (uhh…) we’re gonna take a little pop quiz. *Plane splashes* “Crowd Gasps” *Screams of fear* *Metal clank, screams from climbers* There’s too much weight! I — I have to cut the rope! *stammers* I’m sorry! WAIT! Let me do it! Whoa! What the fuck, dude?! There’s too much weight; it has to be done. I’m sorry! What makes you think he can hold you?! Trust me, he can! He’s been working out! Tell him I’ve been working out! Well, if anything, can’t we cut the piano off? Huh.

Yeah, that might actually be a good place to start. Whoa, whoa whoa! Slow down! Slow the fuck down! I didn’t come all the way to perform the first sonata… …at the summit of this mountain just to fall off and die! Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sorry, there’s no other way. I..I’m so sorry… Your piano is just too heavy… Your mother’s too heavy! Hey! -You take that back! Make me! *begins to cut* I take it back! *rock crumbles* Guys, I’m slipping! *Dramatic piano music* Haha, nice! Thank you! -Seriously though, we’re all gonna die! Hold on! We’re…we’re gonna figure this out!!! If I may, if you’re still deciding that whole “where to cut the rope” thing, *chuckles* Um, pretty sure the guy below me is a pedophile. I’m a teacher; not a pedophile!!! This is a field trip; I’ve told you guys like nine times! Wait, there’s kids down there? We can’t kill kids! Not just that; they’re retarded kids!!! Oh, God! -This is bad! This is really bad! Hey, uh… can we just cut off the panda bear? -*Whimpers* I should think not! That’s an endangered species! Oh, okay.

Hmm. (to all) What does everyone else think? Drop him. -Ditto. -Kill the panda! Cool; here ya go! Whoops! Well, this is it! *Sad piano music* It’s been an honor climbing with you guys! I’ll see you all in another life! *Music stops, snapping sound* *Multiple thuds and groans* -that’s the knife. *Phone rings* Hi, this is Rod’s Thick Pizza. How do you want it? Hi there. I’m a real lonely girl, and I’m so hungry. I could take ALL the meat you have. Mmm…

I think we could “do it” for you, Would you perhaps like a spicy mexican? Or a hot Italian sausage?… Ooh, I’ll take Italian, with extra sausage. Now ma’am, you know we only do it “deep”… I’m so ready!!! Mmm, good. I’ll be “coming” in thirty minutes. See you then. I’ll be waiting… *Doorbell rings* Hello ma’am, here’s your pizza!!! Aaaaand? Aaaaaand…that’ll be 12.95.

“Shocking breath” *Laughing* “Panicked shout” Alright everyone!!! Let’s get moving!!! Single file, let’s go!!! *Screams* Sorry, we’re only evacuating woman and children first. Hey Hey..mom!! Whaaa. WHAAAA. Whaaaa whaaa! *Struggling Grunt* huuuu, huuuh!!! Alright, we have room for two more. Next. Wah. Ok, climb aboard. Ha, thank’s ma’am (Man voice) No problem -Hehehey, alriiight! -Get this bra off me! *Chattering* *Crying* Doc, give me the good news! How’s my bundle of joy doing? (Low voice) Hmm…No… No that’s…that’s not right at all… Oh no?…Is there something wrong? Uh…

I’m sorry to tell you this, Miss McCloud but… I think you’re feelling what is called a “phantom pregnancy.” The symptoms you’re experiencing are psychosomatic… You simply aren’t pregnant.. WHAT?!! No that can’t be, i know that I’m pregnant i can feel it! Ma’am, I understand that this is very difficult news to hear… But I can assure you that you’re not pregant. -I’m so sorry, I can’t ima… -wuuuuUUUAAAAA I’M GOING INTO LABOUR! AAAHHH Woah woah woah woah, wait, wai..wait, what? How can that happ… Oh o.. o.. ok um… Take deep breath Miss McCloud, uhh… Deep breaths… In, and out In, and out -Haaaaaaa!!! -Ok you’re doing good -AAAAAAH!!!!!! IT HURTS!! -Keep breathing -IT F*CKING HUUURTS!!!! You better watch you’re mouth Miss McCloud, you’re baby’s coming out swearin’ like a sailor! SHUT THE F*CK UP AND HELP ME!!!! Yes of course, Just keep pushing, and focus on the breathing, -Perfect, Just like that… -AAAAAAAH -I think I can see it! -HAAOOOooow SHIT! “Plop” I cannot believe it!!! It’s a boy!!! Well, Ms. McCloud, it seems I spoke too soon! You are now the proud mother of a bouncing baby bo…..

M.. Miss McCloud? Okay, when we break the news to the kids, We need to do it in a way that doesn’t make one of us seem like “the bad guy.” We need to let them know that we still love them…we just don’t love each other. Yeah… you’re right. But, look, it’s okay, I’ll start the conversation… If they have any anger, it will be towards me. They can’t be mad forever. Really? Wow. Thank you Brad. That’s very mature of you. Well… they’ve always liked you more anyway…

Heh… Kiiiids, put you’re toys down for a minute. Your father and I… Your father and I have something to tell you… Kids, your mom and I love you, very much. So very much! You’re just the best kids in the gosh darn world, and we are so lucky to be your parents.. And that’s why, I’M RAISING YOUR ALLOWANCE BY FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS! (Both kids) -Yeaaahhhh! What? -Thank you daddy! -You’re the best dad ever. Brad? What are you doing? Kid’s, you’re not getting a bigger allowance. Your father and I are getting a divorce! WHAT??!! Noo!! M-Mom? Whyyy??!!! -Why are you doing this to us? -Yeah mom, whyyyy? *Cries* You monster!!!!! “Neighing horse” “Country Music” Starly: Can I put it in your butt? Starfy: Can you put it in my what? Starly: Can I put it in your butt? Starfy: Can you put it in my what? Starly: Can I put it in your butt? Starfy: Yes you can! Starly: Thank you Starfy! Haaa…

Pinocchio, you look marvelous. You almost look like a real boy… I wanna be a REAL doll! *Flute Music* *Drilling* “SMS” “whistle music” “Blink” “Whistle” “SMS” “Cash sound” “Whistle” “SMS” “Sad violin music” “Whistle” “SMS” “Whistle” “SMS” “Whistle” “SMS” “Suspense Music” Pfft… “Whistle” “Scream” “Sad piano music” *Whistle music* *Crying bird chirps* .

Drink Up with Daniel – Tosh.0

(crowd cheering) (screaming) Oh my God! (screaming) Oh my God. (screaming) Oh! Mike, go! Mike, go! How you guys doing? Good. I wanted to let you know one of our regulars would like to buy you a round of tequila shock shots. Outstanding. Hey don’t get too excited. First thing I’m gonna need you to do is sign these release forms. Yep. There you go. All right bottoms up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s not how the tequila shock shot works. I need everyone to put on an electric dog collar. Red for the lady. -Seriously? – I will electrocute the (bleep) out of you while you take the shot. When you finish begin barking. Once everyone is barking I will stop shocking you. Bottoms up. All right, all right. That was great. Oh, he wants to buy you another round. – Yeah thank you. – Thank you. They’ll really be shocked to know my dog Roofie’d all of them. You might be unaware that I have my own drink.

A lot of celebrities do. There’s the Arnold Palmer, the Shirley Temple, the Eliza Dushku, yeah. And now, the Toshtini. What’s a Toshtini? I’ll tell you. It’s when you open an expensive bottle of water and immediately pour half of it straight down the drain. Now fill the bottle up with tap water and gently shake. Serve it at room temperature and garnish with a twist of limon, the active ingredient in Sprite. Now go to a bar and order a Toshtini tonight and please enjoy responsibly. I am… Shut up dad. Oh yeah folks. He drinks gravy, deal with it, dad. You got anything else you want to say to the fans? More gravy. Delicious. Ah. With tits like those, who needs a job? Bowl of gravy. Ah yeah folks, a bowl of gravy.

A nice bowl of gravy. Bowl of gravy. Until next time folks. Bye-bye. Bye-bye buddy. Keep on living every day like it’s Thanksgiving. All right so that’s an actually glass of your urine. Very fresh. Very fresh. Looks pretty dark. Looks a little dark. Is it warm? Can I feel how warm it is? Mm-hmm. Ah, it’s a nice temperature. It’s perfect. And you just drink your pee? Finally milk, let’s talk about it. Did you know the milk you’ve been drinking is disgusting and impure? The folks at whitepowermilk.com think so. They go beyond pasteurization to racial purification. They have a room filled with Arian women who do nothing but gargle milk, spit it into bottles and send it to you, the racist insane consumer. Well I did some digging. Turns out that company is out of business or maybe fake.

But I’m not crying over it, instead I picked up the torch and started purifying milk myself. Thanks. Thanks a lot man. Thank you. .

TOTAL ECLIPSE | Season 3 | Ep. 1: “Millwood Chronicles”

( music playing ) – Cassie here. I’m– – Hey, you. – ( static ) – Mr. Lane? As your new vice principal, I’m requiring you to have an extracurricular activity this year. Cassie: Previously on “Total Eclipse”… Or as I’m calling it, a “thang.” You don’t have to steal things from me – to get me to hang out with you. – So, is that a yes? If you weren’t such a weirdo, girls might actually give you half a chance.

– Mind if I join you here? – Yeah, that’s totally cool. – I really like you, and– – I love you. Can you ask me before you tell someone I’ll do something? Did you really not do anything for Cassie’s birthday? – I’m breaking up with you. – What? You told me I had a good heart. Jenna! What the heck! My dad lost his job a few months ago. We’ve lost $1,000 worth of clothing to this shoplifter – over the last two months. – Isn’t that when Kate started? – Gretchen, I swear I had nothing to do with this. – I’m letting you go. – I don’t think you should turn yourself in. – It’s the right thing to do. Not if you want to stay with Scott.

I can’t go to the dance with someone like you. Someone like me? Kate didn’t steal from you. – How do you know? – Because I did. Morgan: I’m sorry. I thought I was too popular for you. Luca, in time you’ll understand why I had to do this. I didn’t realize you went to the same school as Diana. Julian, I’ve been waiting all night for my prince to arrive. We’re placing you under arrest for shoplifting. – Come with us. – Cassie, no. Tell them the truth. Tell them you didn’t do it. I made a promise. Why are you with Diana? I can’t talk about it. Any of it. Jenna: When I was a little kid, I used to imagine that I was a superhero. My mom didn’t love it. She said superheroes are for boys. Ugh, what are these doing out? I thought I got rid of these. Get ready. You’re gonna be late for school.

When things were bad, I like to think that my powers could fix anything that had gone wrong. ( music playing ) Finch! Mother: Jenna, school, now! ( theme music playing ) ( school bell rings ) So, what did you do this weekend? Um, well, I rehearsed for dance. ( chattering ) Still feeling guilty Cassie did the time for your crime? Shh. Just stay on my good side and your secret’s safe with me. – You have a good side? – Oh, good one, Jenna. Come on, let’s go this way. And then my mom threw away the entire meal she cooked and we ordered pizza. How was your weekend? Intense. My Aunt Bonnie moved in with us.

– Is that good or bad? – Both. She’s my favorite aunt. But she’s here because she’s been sick. Oh, Kate, I’m so sorry. If you need anything, just know I’m here for you. What if I need to know the truth about the shoplifter? The truth is I did community service, and the rest is in the past. Can we just leave it at that? I guess. But it still smells fishy. Well, so does Mr. Lane, but we still love him anyway. It’s a girl. Your regular history teacher? His new baby is a girl. No? Okay. Well, Mr. Hameed is on paternity leave, which explains me. I’m Ms. Dawson. I just moved here from New York City, where I was born and raised.

Oh, I was gonna pass these out. Blueberry muffins. I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you. Personally. Casserole! Hi, Mr. Lane. – Got a minute? – Yeah. So, Cassie. What do you see here? Your online dating profile? Oh, no. That’s not right. Where is my ink blot test? Cassie, what I’m trying to say is I’ve been concerned with you, ever since the, uh… oh, uh… …incident from last year. And I am worried that you’ve been spending too much time in your head. I know it can be fun to pretend. You know, I have the fantasy of living in a one-bedroom apartment, as opposed to a studio. ( chuckles ) I could have enough room for a couch, but, uh, who wants that? I do. I really do. I need it. I guess what I’m trying to say is the problem with daydreaming, Cassie, is it can keep you from spending time in the real world. – Mr. Lane, I– – No, no, no, let me finish.

I want to challenge you to stay focused on the here and the now. ( chuckles ) Just give it a try, okay? You know, you might be pleasantly surprised. Or, even better, you might be able to turn your dreams… into a reality. May I sit here? Well, if it isn’t the first lady of Millwood? Please don’t call me that. What would you like me to call you, then? Overwhelmed? Why? What’s wrong? Okay, promise you won’t tell anyone? So, Diana blackmailed me into being her friend again. My parents won’t stop fighting. – I’m worried that Scott– – Okay, whoa. Whoa. Sorry, I just feel like you’re the only one I can actually talk to. You know you can tell me anything. You know that, right? Okay, here’s something, then. I used to have this fantasy about being a superhero. And it’s all I’ve been thinking about lately. Dude! This is so awesome! – Really? – Yeah. You could totally sell this for, like, a million bucks. Oh, check this out. Study and learn. Thanks. We’ve been talking about me this whole time. – How are you? – Oh, you’ll see something scootin’ around from me soon.

( chatter ) Oh, um… everybody, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Morgan. – Hi. – Morgan, please meet the Millwood Experimental Film Club. Where we watch experimental films. This George, Anna, Madeline, and myself. I mean, you’re also in the club, but you knew that. Thanks for having me, guys. So, what makes a movie experimental? Is it, like, about science or something? ( laughs ) Um, experimental films have nontraditional structures. Oh, cool. Or uncool? Um, I mean, uncool as in a way that it’s cool. I’m excited to be uncool with you guys. Ahem, um, how about we watch the first film? Cool! I mean, yay. ( music playing ) Okay, everyone. I’m gonna be teaching some tough choreography today, so I need you to focus up. Julian, class started ten minutes ago. Sorry, I was waiting for Diana down the block.

I think she forgot about me. ♪ I hear… ♪ You didn’t call me back last night. ♪ And it sings to me… ♪ Okay, enough chitchat, everyone. Get up. We’re gonna start warming up. – Kate: Aunt Bonnie? – Hello! In here! Oh, there they are. Come here, kiddos. – Oh, it’s so good to see you. – You too. You have to help me with these flowers. I just bought them. Aren’t they beautiful? ♪ Another day… ♪ ( music playing ) Cassie, that was great. How did you pick that up so fast? Well, I guess I was just being present. You know, in the moment. Well, it’s working. Everyone, at next class, I want you to be present and in the moment like Cassie. Good job. Hey. So, why didn’t you tell me we weren’t meeting before class? I was meeting up with some friends. Didn’t know I needed permission. ( chuckles ) That’s not what I meant. I just feel like you’ve been avoiding me. I’m just used to doing things on my own. Yeah, but I barely see you. I thought you’d want to spend time together.

– Isn’t that what a relationship’s all about? – I don’t know. Maybe I’m not ready for this kind of relationship. Excuse me. I have… some solo choreography that I need to practice. – Hey, Eli. – Hey. Look, I kinda got to talk to you about something. Oh, my God. – Does my breath smell? – No. It’s just– it was a little bit hurtful how you called the Experimental Film Club uncool. I mean, I get we’re not the most popular club, but… Nobody likes someone new coming in and calling what they like uncool. Yeah. ( sighs ) Oh, my God. I have a plan. Can you teach me how to be– what do you want me to call you guys again? Well, some people would call experimental film or art avant garde. It’s like new or unusual.

Perfect. You’re gonna teach me how to be “on-vant garde.” – “Avant garde.” – “On-vont garde.” – Yeah. – Pew. Pew. Well, now that we are surrounded by all these beautiful flowers, there’s something I need to tell you two. That my bouquet looks better than Kate’s? Ow. Kate, Sam… you know I have cancer, right? Yeah. So, that’s why I’m here. To spend time with the family before I go. But you can’t know that for sure, right? Sam, I was a doctor, remember? I know when it’s time to fight, and I know when it’s time to do what you can with the time that’s left. ( music playing ) ( phone rings ) “Russian for Beginners”? Mr. Lane’s voice: Cassie, I’m worried that you’ve been spending too much time in your head. I call on the North Wind to protect Aunt Bonnie. While I’d love to have the wind at my back, Kate, this is not what I need.

I’m just trying to help. I know, hon. But what would really help is you and me and your brother spending some time together. It’s not magic, but it could still be special. ( music playing ) Milady, if you truly want to be a princess, you must wed yourself to a worthy prince. I decree these rules super lame. I don’t need a prince. In fact, I don’t even need to be a princess to rule. ( music slows, stops ) I have no idea what any of these buttons actually do. I need to go back to Earth. In the sacred space near my wizened tree, I renounce my gift and from this world I flee.

All: It’s time to stop living in a fantasy. Jenna: When I was a kid, I played with action figures. I liked imagining that I was a super hero. And when things are bad, I actually had the power to do something. Now that I’m older, I don’t play with action figures. But I still imagine that I’m a super hero. ( thunder crashes ) ( music playing ) I wanted to talk about Luca. Cassie: Next time on “Total Eclipse”… What are you doing here? Hey, Cassie. Got a minute to talk? Today may be just try not talking as much. Got it. I mean… Cassie, you can dance with Diana. Both: That’s not a good idea. ( music playing ) .

Happy Wheels – Part 1 | THIS GAME IS MY BITCH

Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, laddies! My name is Jacksepticeye, and WELCOME TO HAPPY WHEELS! Yeah! I finally got around to playing it, I have never once played Happy Wheels before in my life. Ever! Seriously! I’ve NEVER played it, I’ve never even TRIED to play it, But I have seen a lot of videos of it, and I know what kind of game it is and I know what it’s all about…

Uh, but this is a game that I’ve– I’ve wanted to play for a while–I’ve wanted to put up on the channel for a while, but–I don’t know why I kept putting it off but here I am now! Let’s go play okay– I’m gonna go to the user created levels because those are apparently the BEEST… Uh BMX stunt, right off that bat. That’s what caught my eye. I have absolutely no idea how to play this game. Oh my God! Ahhh.. I can do it, I can do it! Oh, I can’t do it, oh! Just— keep going! This seems rather easy, s-should something not be trying to kill me? Oh God… Oh God! This is trying to kill me- OH NO! OH NO LITTLE BILLY! (you won’t love him for long) Oh Billy nohoho… Oh I lost… I lost my little boy. Backflips! Backflips like a BOSS! Okay, your head kind of went into the wheel there for a second… GO GO!!! He’s pedalin’ like a muhfuckah *Stunned silence* What-what the? YEAH! Finished it first try, didn’t even die! First time to ever play Happy Wheels LIKE A BOSS! I’ll go with Billy and Bobby on the bike again…

“Another 10 Ways To Die” I still don’t know what the first ones were! O-Oh my God! I’M SORRY! THE GAME MADE ME DO IT! That was… That was awesome… But it was so bad! “Super Impossible”? Well we’ll just see about that now, shall we? Agh! I don’t know how to pogo! I don’t know how to pogo! How do- How do I pogo? How do- How do I- How do I- Ah! There we go! That’s- *interrupted by Jack breaking a game… Again…* Oh my God… Oh my God I might just actually have like, broken the game… Oh, oh, nope there you go! How do I…? AH! GET OVER IT! Uh… I’m ins-YEAHHHHH! YEAHHHHH! FUCK YOU GAME! I BROKE YOUR SHIT AND I WON! “Super Impossible” my a-hole! Okay here we go, oh oh nupe nupe, OH! OH MY GOD! YOUR LEGS CAME OFF! OH!!! *scared noises* I’M SO SORRY! It’s probably because you’re fat and you can’t fit down between them! Blame you, bitch.

Oh, oh, oh so good, oh so good! AAAAAHHHH! NOT SO GOOD! Oh… I made it down… But just in several hundred pieces… I will not be bested by this. Oh, too fast! *noises of disgust* Just like this… blap OH MY ASS! Ohohohohoh… Ohh I did it again, I’m sorry Betty-AAAH! It’s cause you have big fat tits! Okay, no you’re fine, you’re fine, Betty, YOU’RE FINE! YEAH! YEAHHHHH! THAT’S HOW WE ROLL! Naked girl? And it’s in capital letters, you know it’s good. Oh… Rate five coin things… Five Egyptian hieroglyphics… And she will spawn naked and sucking your private… I’m going backwards, I’m going towards the secret.

*yet another quiet gasp* YOU DICK! LOOK AT BILLY! LOOK AT BILLY YOU PINNED HIM TO THE WALL! Bobby’s got bolts (you mean harpoons?) up his ass… Oh, I’m gonna kill this bitch. DIE! Yeah. *jackigiggles* There’s someone sitting on the toilet back there. Oh! Oh Billy, your arm! It’s okay, you didn’t need them anyway, you were going to be a soccer player, not a baseball player! Walalalalala Ahhh… Do it! YEAH! BACKFLIPS! I don’t think I was supposed to be out there… Okay! Next level! *mcjack is not lovin’ it* (When you gross the fuck out of Jack, he looks like this.) Oh, it’s like soil and green! Oh! How the-How the hell do I get into the box? *chicken jackaboy* AH NO! *DEAD* Oh…

Sorry-Sorry Bobby… Billy. Which one are you? Bobby. You’re Bobby. Can I like, grab with my hands or something? Nope! Ah! How do I… How do I… How do I… 🎶 How do I live… Without you… 🎶 Do the worm! Breakdancin’ Billy! Bobby… Ah! Oh I CAN grab! Space is to grab! This changes the rules of everything! *training for abs of steel* *panting after that hard workout* *now he’s just making sounds XD* Everyone do the Magikarp! Everyone do the Magikarp! Ooh…

We could be in a great position here… Flop those arms, little Billy-Bobby… YE-HA-HA-HA-AH! YEAH! That is how you make this game your BITCH! What the hell is a sword throw? That sounds amazing! It is gonn- Ohh~ *Slightly worried laughther* Lemme just get that sword out of your crotch. *grunting noises* My arm came off! You have one powerful crotch! (Daaaamn! XD) *Exaggerated throwing sounds* How are you missing everything?! I can’t even grab the sword anymore- Okay. Grab it! Got Santa, in the belly, yeah slow-motion! *Slow “bwaaaah”* How do I get the fuckers behind me? Uhh~. Like that! Oh, that was the best one! *Laughing* He can’t fit into- He can’t fit into the canon! I got them all! I did it! I win! I win the game Dude is still blowing up in the background “99.9999% Impossible” *Strange accent* “EMPOISIBERLEH?” I fucking doubt it! Jacksep- *Interrupted by explosion* I didn’t even get to finish my name! *High pitched* How the-! How in the holy balls are you supposed to do THAT?! Ye-ha-heah! Suck on that, game! OOH YOU ASS! “Obstacle course by Akhilito99” Woo-hoo! Party over here! Ooh yeah.

Uh, like a boss! Like all the bosses that ever were *Worried* Woo-ho. Uhh~ Have some- Have some respect. I have a kid on board! ♪”Baby on board, something something”♪ (Nevermind) *Deep breath* No baby on board anymore, I don’t even have legs! It’s okay, you still have a face, that is all you need Nnnnnnnnnoooo… Let’s do it, Billy! Woah! Billy, I saved you! Aah! We gotta get outta this, Billy! OH-HO-HO-HO NO! I’m still good, right? Right? x1 Right? x2 Right? x3 Right? x4 (WRONG) No…

Oh Billy, nooo! YEAH! Yeaahh~! Suck it, game! 18+ sword throw? Fuck yeah I am an 18+’er. I am all the adult (My eyes! MY EYES!!!) *Nervous laughter* Uh okay, block your eyes Shield your eyes everybody! Don’t look! *Smooth music. ♪Oh yeah, baby, baby♪* *Smooth music. ♪Oh yeah, baby, baby♪* (Who’s getting the presents now?) Oh, I can actually sword throw these guys Stop having sex! *Gasp* Look where I got him! (M-m-m-m-MONSTERKILL!!!) Look where I got him, right in the neck! He’s still having sex though… STOP IT!! I hit the suicide button.

At least it sounds like they’re having fun. *Weird accent* I’m a dinosaur (Dinosaur Count: 1) I’m a dinosaur (Dinosaur Count: 2) Brring I’m a dinosaur! (Dinosaur Count: 3) DIE x1 DIE x2 I’m a dinosaur! (Dinosaur Count: 4) Don’t you know who I am? Oh, Mr. Axe Man. Hello! Outta my way! Ge-ge-ge-ge! Ge-ge-ge-ge! AH DIE EVERYBODY! Oh your head came off! Just like I planned! I’m a dinosaur! (Dinosaur Count: 5) Get outta the way! I am a close relative of Bernie.(Dinosaur Count… 6?) Bernie is my friend. Best music ever! I feel so accomplished Wa! Uh! Ah! I’m not even grabbing balls now. Ha-ha, that’s what she said You see wassup? Do you see wassup? When Jacksepticeye get’s in to play a game, it’s just instant win all around! I fucking win at life! *WTF AM I WATCHING* Es-capé! I’ll escape. I’ll escape real good *Mumbeling* Oh! I can escape! Yeah! YEAH!! YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS?! You thought you had me bested, game! You said, “You know what, Jack? I’m gonna put you in a situation you can’t get out of!” “NOBODY can get out of this situtation!” And Jack came in and he said, “You know what?!” “What’s up?!?” BOOM! Finished the level in fucking 7.6 SECONDS! (its 7.06 seconds) ASSASSIN HUSBAND I’m not a husband yet…

…but if I was, I would be an assassin kind! … Oh, hey! (silly laughter) I think they call this position… T​‌HE BACKWARDS RODEO DILDO BRIGADE AH, NO! I FOR- I missed the axe again! *groans in agony* (in Crocker accent) I sorry wife! I really wanted to kill your friend. (it sounds like Crocker to me) You cheating on me? DAH! Take that knees to the face! Yeah, take that! I’m gonna take your champagne, and I’m gonna break it off the table, and POP YOUR HEAD OFF!! Yeah, you try to sleep with my WIFE?! Take that Billy, you little BITCH! YEAH I GOT IT!!! Gah-hah! GOD!!! I got the axe, and I’m the only one who lost an arm?! That is BULLSHIT! *scream, jackaboy, scream* Yeah, take that! SUPER MAN HUG! Suplex! YEAH I PUMPED YOUR HEAD OFF! You like that, bitch? You like that? HUH? HUH? x2 HUH? x3 This is my head dance! This is how I party with your head, look! *damn fine music* UGH! Gonna hump your head! *grunting* Yeah, it feels so good! Do you like that?! HUH? x4 HUH? x5 DO YA? DO YA??? Well, that’s the end of my Happy Wheels adventures! This game is awesome! This game was designed for me.

This fits my style of… commentary PERFECTLY. But, I hoped you guys liked this! I put it up on Facebook a while ago that I- I was thinking about playing it and a lot of you guys commented on it, a lot more than the comments that I usually get, saying: “yeah jack!” “GO for it!” “play it jack” “DO IT” “It’ll be really good!” So… I hope I did the game justice, but THANK YOU GUYS so much for watching this video! If you liked it, punch that like button UP! THE ASS! LIKE A BOSS! And, high fives all around! *whoops* *whoops* Well, thank you guys and I will SEE ALL YOU DUDES…

IN THE NEXT VIDEO!!!!! .

🎬9-0 HAT-TRICK CLUB!🎬 Neymar gatecrashes Hat-Trick Club! (PSG vs Guingamp Parody)

Gillian welcomes a hatchery club and welcome to your dog as you know the first rule of hatchery club is you have to have scored a hair treat for your club or country Oh kaanchi which means it’s earlier today sorry late late you’re nuts even on the entry list stop pulling my hair you son of a female dog valium Chilean Nina I’m afraid the first water fast return is you have to have scored a trick for your club oh don’t you come I was going to say country oh and stop pulling my hair you senator female socks oh you’re right long hair it’s for girls what’s you had dreadlocks last week dreadlocks is long hair but for cool people shoe you looks like Whoopi Goldberg oh I mean it stop pulling my hair I’m going to kick your bum in a minute Oh losers pick your bum read it and weep Whoopi nine now three for me three for him sue for you no her cheek no match for now Jo away you haven’t heard the last of ders oh geez he’s so selfish no this is the part where we’re supposed to get our balls outs and tasmiyah damn what a magical silly oh thank goodness but we both scored hat-tricks elect and there is only one match below so what do we do well there’s nothing in the Hedrick club rules about hatrocks in the same game oh but luckily there is in my contract the events of somebody else during a hetrick in the same game as mr.

Cavani that’s me mr. Cavani will be awarded the match ball mom says it right here let me see em just there move your finger what that’s been added in pencil no it’s essence that’s just that’s just the fun Gillian oh not dissident gets outs whoopee Wow stopping my chair Gillian tell him where you’ll just blamed my boy so you’re on your own just like in the country everything okay how about I let you hold my ball that sounds of prickers roll up Gillian no okay how about I give you half of my balls do so skirt roll up it’s 2019 there is nothing wrong with being Jay there is if he’s not gay and you’re trying to get you to hold your ball is a path to match ball Oh like this here killing you I have one of my balls sounds a bit gay wow what slow Joyce of major cadets what’s you say so sorry Dupre she’s Savi’s apology accepted now let’s put that behind us and move on we have one match ball itch let’s get admiring each other’s balls where did you even get those match balls they were all round the pitch there was more than one match ball yes it was multiple it’s not 1972 that’s probably what ever since Barbara says when he sees that her toe every week Gillian problem solved now you have a match ball so you can sell whoopee he can’t stay because he didn’t score a hat-trick but mark did score boys clear no he didn’t yes he did you just wrote that’s in Plainfield no I didn’t it’s just the font I deserve luckily I never came here without a rubber sounds a bit how does that sounds a bit pink oh wait till oppress me about their life out of here Cavani bitch teammate in violent homophobic range drill heads we grab correction violent and formost homophobic rhymes Falmouth’s I said whoo Cavani commands teammates too screwed in basements oh and as far as thanking since you can shove your boss up even worse that’s practically Oh too funny I think you went a bit far system

SML Movie: Jeffy The Rapper 2

Jeffy: Tacos gave me diarrhea, diarrhea, DIARRHEA! Tacos gave me diarrhea and it is in my pants! Mario: Jeffy, stop it! Don’t sing about stuff like that it’s gross! (BTW, all of the parenthesis are from iSunnyD) (doorbell rings) Jeffy: Somebody is at the door, at the door, AT THE DOOR! Somebody is at the door, and there is diarrhea in my pants! Mario: (sighs) Why jeffy? Mario: Uh, hello? Goodman: Give it to me… Mario: Give what to you? Goodman: Your house payment, Mario! Mario: It’s not due till midnight and it’s only eight o’clock! Aka 8pm Goodman: It’s midnight somewhere in the world! Mario: Well, look, I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to make my payment tonight…(You gone done the wrong thing Mario) Goodman: Mario, if you don’t pay your house payment by midnight tonight… Do you know what I’m gonna do to you? Mario: What? Goodman: Purple Nurple. (oh no). Mario: What? Purple Nurple? Goodman: I’m gonna take your nipple in this hand, see this hand, Mario? I’m gonna take your nipple and TWIST REALLY HARD!! I’m gonna take this hand and pick up where I left off and TWIST REALLY HARD!!! I’m gonna take this hand one more time, see this hand? Mario, see it? Bring it around town and SQUEEZE AND TWIST REALLY HARD!! And in this hand one more time, pick up where I left off, and TWIST REALLY HARD This hand Mario, one more time, look at this hand, watch it, bring it around town and TWIST REALLY HARD!( (sounds of constipation) I’m gonna rip your nipple clean off your chest Mario.

You see right here?(ouch) What do I have in my hand? Your nipple. Guess what I’m gonna do with you’re nipple Mario?( I don’t wanna know) Ah. (makes eating noise) ( this will make me throw up) Yummy your nipple. (Goodman, you are messed up) Mario: Tha- that seems like its gonna hurt… Oh yeah. I’ve only done it twice in my life before. The guy, the guy I did it to guess what his name is? Mario: What? Goodman: No Nipple Tim.

Guess how many house payments No Nipple Tim has missed? Mario: How many? Goodman: Zero. Hold up, why would Goodman do that to Tim if he never missed a house payment? So if you miss your house payment tonight Mario, your nickname is gonna be No Nipple Mario. See you later, No Nipple Mario. It kinda has a ring to it. Cat Piano: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Mario: Aw, my Poor nipples… Jeffy: What’s wrong, Daddy? Mario: Well, Jeffy, if I don’t come up with $2,000 by tonight. I’m gonna lose my nipples!( In the worst way possible) Jeffy: Well I don’t have nipples, see?( Because you’re a plushy, Jeffy) Mario: That’s gross Jeffy. I just need quick money tonight… TV: Yo, yo, yo! Do you need money tonight? Then enter in your most fire rap song, into the rap song competition! And you could win $50,000 dollars! $50,000! Just to make some stupid little rap song! I can do it, it can’t be that hard.

Okay. Uh, my name is Mario I really need some money if I don’t get it… Then my nipples will be goney? (You suck Mario!!) I don’t know! This is stupid! I’m gonna just ask Black Yoshi to do it… Hey Daddy I can make a rap! No, you can’t Jeffy. Yeah, I can daddy. I just need a saxophone. Wha, a saxophone?( Oh boy, here we go) *Epic sax solo* YASSSS!!! Wanna See My Pencil? x4 Hey Daddy, wanna see my pencil? I stick it in my nose, until it hits the middle.

It’s yellow, it’s special. It tastes like a pretzel. I hit it on my head to make it instrumental! I mental, I’m crazy, diaper like a baby, who’s the Easter Bunny? You know that is my daddy! My rhymes are freaking hot! You weren’t even ready. I got my jammies on, I’m ready for bed! Wanna See My Pencil? Wanna See My Pencil? Wanna See My Pencil? Wanna see my pencil? (7x) C A T P I A N O S O L O *Uh Noise* Back on the track, These hoes, I smack, These haters can’t kill me, you know that’s a fact! My diaper I pat, My Piano is a cat! I see a can of green beans, and i hit it with a bat! Always wear my helmet, don’t have to ride a bike! These bullies wanna try me, but you know we’re gonna fight! People say they hate me, well they can take a hike! I just schooled these haters, now lemme drop the mic! Wanna See My Pencil? (x4) Wanna see my pencil? (x7) Do you want to see my pencil?! So daddah, Wadya Think? Jeffy that was ridiculous! I can’t believe you submitted that! You’re not gonna win! Maaaan Daddah stop hatin’! When that beat drops, It’s gonna be straight fire! It’s gonna be top on charts, and tastin farts! Ima need a snorkel.

A snorkel, for what? For all the wet Kitty I’m gonna be swimming in. Wet kitty? Oh yeah, I’m talking wet, soaking wet. MEOW ?????? Who’s that? Jeffy, just stay right here. all right daddy. Hello? Hey is Jeffee here? Jeffy is here! 🙂 No No, Not no Jeffy. JayFee! Look anyway, I got $50,000 that he won in a rap content. WUH! He actually won the contest?? Yeah Man! Oh well come on inside! Alright, so uh, sit right here. JEFFY! JEFFY GET IN HERE! So Jeffy Really Won? Yeah, he sent us the HARDEST Rap song.

What’s up ball sniffers? Jeffy, you won the 50-thousand dollar rap contest! I knew that bit was hot! Yeah, you beat everyone in the competition! So here’s 50K who is that? Uh I Don’t Know… Hold on, I’ll get it. Uh hello? YO Mario! Is the rap judge here! Rap Judge? Well theres a guy here givin us 50K For a rap song. Wha? MOVE OUT THE WAY! Man! Look at all this paper! Yep! and its all yours! Wait! Not so fast! Who are you? MAN SOMEBODY GET THIS SKID MARK OFF MY TABLE! I’m Toad and I need to submit a song to the contest! Don’t waste your time. Well. Yeah, he’s right It’s kind of too late to submit a song But I kind of do want to hear another song so go ahead. send me a song. Let me see OH MAN WHO LET THE A@S OUT? HA HA! OH I NEED ALL GIRLS TO GET BONKERS BABY! JUST SHAKE IT! BABY TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, DO IT FOR THE MONEY BABY.

FOR THE MONEY BABY TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, MOVE DEM CHEEKS, TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, MAN YO BUTTS FOR WEEKS! TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, I NEED A SNEAK PEEK! I WAS STUDYING THAT BOOTY, I’M KINDA LIKE A GEEK! Studdy ASS, JONY HAD A SEIZURE (idk), Flow So SLICK, I think i got the measles! Booty make me hungry i need little caesars! Move it for the money girl! You all most legal! (God or something) SHAKE IT FOR THE MONEY, DON’T WORRY BOUT THE BUDGET BABY. Got a bunch of cash pound in the bucket baby! Dis song about butt, if you didn’t know the subject baby! Turn that ass like you just bought some megas baby? (hes hard to understand) TAG, YOUR IT, DAT BOOTY I’M CHASING, BOOTY GOT INSURANCE GO HEAD AND BREAK IT.

BOOTY LIKE A TREASURE, IT’LL BE HARD TO TAKE IT I MEAN THAT ASS IS ON FIRE! STOP DROP AND SHAKE IT! (x1). TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, DO IT FOR THE MONEY BABY (x2). DO IT FOR THE HUNDREDS BABY, FOR THE HUNDREDS BABY TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, DO IT FOR THE MONEY BABY (x3). DO IT FOR THE HUNDREDS BABY, FOR THE HUNDREDS BABY OKAY, YA KNOW I LIKE DAT ASS, BRING IT BOOKS (IDK) IM FLYIN FIRST CLASS. I’M STUDYING SOME TURBULENCE, OH WAIT THAT’S HER ASS. CHEEKS TOO BIG GONNA MAKE ME CRASH, BUT I HAVE CONTROL, DON’T MAKE ME GET THE PADDLE! Shake that ass for me, i hope its not hassle.

MOVE IT LIKE YOUR AT IT, I’LL GET YOU A SADDLE! SHAKE IT REAL FAST, JUST LIKE A BABY’S RATTLE PUT YOU ON SCREEN, YOU COULD BE A NIGHTCLUB WHIP IT LIKE A SLAVE BABY GIRL, CALL ME MASTERS. Prayin for some booty, (unintelligible) as a pastor Wind it up baby, and the f is for faster (if anything is wrong, its because i can’t understand them :/) Shake it, Shake it, and dont forget to drop it, dat ass to big, girl you know I’m bein honest! Make them cheeks shine, like they gettin polished Twerk for you tuition for college. Toad: TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, DO IT FOR THE MONEY BABY, FOR MONEY BABY WHOA! THIS SONG CHANGES EVERYTHING! DIS SONG IS FIRE! Wh- What’s going on? Man dis song’s so good… it might be a tie! A TIE ARE YOU HIGH!!?? (Here’s another one rhymes) Wha a tie? IT CANT BE A TIE! You already said Jeffy Won! Look Look Look, Its so good, I think Toad put up a good fight! Yeah mine is good, right? Wa Wa Wait, so so if the songs are tied, how are we gonna settle this? Huh, I Don’t know…

Maybe we should call the fire department to see whose song is the most fire! MARIO: wa wa Okay, so I got a call about a fire. Yeah, we want you to see which song is the most fire! What, which song is the most fire? Yeah? Yeah. Wha-, So you’re telling me. There’s no actual fire here No, we we just want you to see which song is better which song is the most FIRE! All right just play the songs. okay. (the sound of a blazing fire) UH, Yeah both of those songs are pretty fire. I think I got third-degree burns on my face.

So which song was the most fire? Huh well they were both pretty fire, but I got a thing for butts so I’m gonna go with that one Wahoo! I won! THATS B.S! Yeah, Jeffy’s song was better. Well the firefighter has spoken. I’m gonna go to the hospital now… Oh Man… Jeffy I Can’t believe you lost Well Jeffy. I guess you can say bye-bye to my nipples.

Bye Bye Daddy’s nipples. I was supposed to get $2,000 by tonight. Oh well daddy i got this! $10,000??? Yep. Where’d you get that at Jeffy? Oh I stole it off the pile of money. (SAVAGE)Wha- you stole it? Yeah, I’m about that life. I’m on that gangster shiz. Well I guess my nipples are saved. YAY! Daddy’s nipples! Let’s Celebrate, daddy. Let me grab my hoes. Wha-? hoe? There you go Daddy, my main hoe! *best song ever* (Jeffy’s Rap 2, obivously) Captions by PokemonPlushUniversal, Hansen, BlankFlank, Natlie Chaet aka NDC, Omar Addus, RubberDaduckey, and Tom Clover