Tag Archives: literally my life

Palm Tree Montage – Me and My Grandma (Ep. 1) | MyLifeAsEva

(YouTube Red Jingle) (funky music with a strong beat) – It looks so warm in Calabasas. – Why are Kim and Khloe always eating salads out of plastic containers? What about that fancy Blac Chyna they’re always talking about? – They eat out of plastic containers because they’re always on the go. – But, what exactly do they do, besides make the chubby lesbian cry? – Grandma, no, that’s Rob. And they’re famous for being themselves, although I’m not sure if I’d like that. I mean, everyone wanting to know everything about you, like what you did on vacation or how you survived high school. – People will watch anything. – If I were famous, I’d wanna be known for my acting abilities, and keep my real life a mystery. Like an approachable Natalie Portman. – Go outside. This is all you’ve done the past week.

– Mom, Grandma needs to see this if she’s gonna watch tonight’s premiere with me. – It’s called “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, I gotta be caught up. – Did you send your resume to Holt, Hughes and Stanton? – What’s the point? I mean why didn’t you let me major in theater like I wanted to? Who’s even an accountant anymore? – I’m an accountant. – And you’re sure your firm isn’t hiring? Maybe it’s time to get creative. Kim Kardashian used her butt to get her whole family careers. – Don’t you want more out of life? – I want three Oscars, a house on the beach, and a headboard that looks like an aquarium. I’ll send out my resume tomorrow. – You know Janey, you don’t have to just sit here on the couch with me. – Look! Palm tree montage. God, how cool would it be to see a palm tree IRL? – Hey, hit pause. I love sitting on this couch with you more than anything. – Are you breaking up with me? – You need to want more. You’ve been stuck in a rut ever since you moved back after school. And we both know you’d make a terrible accountant.

Janey, just go get that aquarium bed right now. – I think Al’s Pet World is closed. – It’s a metaphor. – So, what, you think I should just move to Hollywood and start acting? – See, you already know what you want. – It’s been my dream my whole life, but I’m not sure– – Don’t finish that sentence, we hate the end of that sentence. The end of that sentence is the enemy. – But Grandma. – No, you’re good. I hear you in your room doing that monologue from the vampire-werewolf movie. – I don’t do that. Anymore. – If my granddaughter wants to see some palm trees, she’s gonna see some damn palm trees. – Well, there was this casting website I used to look at. – Really? Oh, show me, now. – Here. Seeking women ages 15 to 25 for a used car commercial. Open all heights, weights, and ethnicities. That’s me! – That’s you! – Do you really think I could do this? – Janey, you’ve wanted this your whole life, if you don’t go now you’ll regret it forever.

– Like the time I got bangs. – Yes, that was a terrible idea, but this isn’t. – I don’t know. (sighs) – You know what? – What? – We could do it together. That’s it! How ’bout if I come with you? – Grandma, you would really move to LA with me? – Wait, what-what’s happening? Why would you move to LA? – To be an actress! Grandma said she’d come with me, right Grandma? – Yeah, you think I wanna watch my daughter-in-law do laundry for the rest of my life? – I love you, too. – You know what I mean. I dreamt of goin’ to LA when I was her age, but I couldn’t I had to stay here because of– – The war. – And it’s so cold and boring here, I could die. You want me and Janey to die here, Barbara? – Death. It’s coming for me. I never thought it would but here we are. By sacrificing my life for his, I’ve finally found peace.

– What is happening? What is this? – She’s doing her vampire-werewolf movie, this is the best part. – But, no regrets, right? Isn’t that what they say? It’s time I accept my fate and leave home. – Just take good care of her, please. – You got it. – I’m talkin’ to your grandmother. – Of course I’ll look after her. And I promise, I will never let her do anything stupid. – I’ll just be here doing two less loads of laundry.

(Mom laughs) (both laugh and cheer) – Should we pack? – No, hit play. First, we have to “Keep Up”, I don’t wanna look like some rube from the sticks when I get to LA. – Oh, and Grandma, Blac Chyna’s a person, not dishware. – Would you gimme that pen? I need to write this down. – All right, are you ready? Once I turn this key our new life begins? – Ah, Janey? Could our new life begin in like a minute? No, make it five. I drank a lota cocoa, I gotta pee! Sorry, Janey! – I’ll wait for you. (old-fashioned music) – There’s something thrilling about peeing in the wilderness, hand me the leaf. Look at us! We’re already bohemian Los Angeles types. – As soon as we get there, I’m going vegan, gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free, and cruelty-free. But not until we try In-N-Out. – I wanna try Botox. (Janey sighs) – Hey Grandma, does this look weird to you? Is this bad? – Nah. It’s a bumper, it’s only for bumping.

We just can’t bump anything. – So, should we, like, put it in the car? – I don’t know, looks kind of greasy. – I don’t wanna get bumper juice all over my new Hollywood clothes. – I have an idea. – No! – Okay. In, in. Okay, that’s it! That’s good. – Is it? – Janey, I have bad news. – You have to pee again? – No, I think we have to say goodbye to our cuddle clothes. – But we’ve had these since season 18 of “The Bachelor”. – Don’t bring up Juan Pablo right now, it’s only gonna make me angry. (Janey sighs) Janey, let’s do this right. My bag? (lamenting music) (music builds to upbeat dance music) – This unit is fantastic, it’s a Spanish villa with a huge roof deck. It has a sunroom, 24-hour gym access, as well as recently restored breezeways. – I don’t know what breezeways are but, I want them.

I wanna feel the breeze. – Poker face, Janey. That is amazing! – Here, we have a modern, mid-century duplex with walk-in closets and a stunning view of the Hollywood Hills. – Literal goals. – It’s a bargain, only forty-five hundred a month. – Yeah, okay. – Oh. – Okay. You know, in a certain light, it’s kind of shabby chic. (air mattress pump whirs loudly) – What about in this light, Janey? – Stop it, we’ll make our own wall art and we’ll build a coffee table out of old books.

Mm, it’s gonna be so Pinterest! Hey Grandma, where’s your air mattress? – My what now? – Your bed. I get the living room, you get the bedroom. – Can I also get your air mattress? – Oh. – What are you people doing? – Janey, get the bat, we’re being robbed. – Grandma, we don’t have a bat. – Calm down, overly dramatic new people. I’m not robbing you. You’re making the building vibrate, her bones are brittle.

– I was just trying to blow up my air mattress. – Careful with that air pump, that’s how the C started flickering. – Oh, so you live here too? – I’m Heidi. Performance artist. My stage is the coffee cart downstairs. – I’m Janey, I guess I’m kind of an artist, too. I’m an actress. – That makes sense. And what, you’re like the stage mom? – That’s sweet, I’m the stage grandmom. We’re like sisters. – Huh, we’re not. Hey Heidi, what’s up with the cell service around here? – There is none. – I was just trying to map out the route to this car commercial audition I have tomorrow. We just got in from Michigan. – That also makes sense. – So, should she just pop outside for cell service? – You don’t ever wanna pop outside The Ass after dark. – That’s fine. We are resourceful, independent young women. You think I grew up with Google? All I had during the war was a belly full of soup and the North Star to guide me.

– The war? – Don’t ask. That was here when we moved in. – Yeah, I put it there. – Uhn. (upbeat dance music) I will say that based on the color of my urine just now, I’m very hydrated, how’d yours look? – Grandma. – They all look like you. – Excuse me? – No, you’re way prettier, you’re like Cindy Crawford. – So, you think I look 50? – What? Cindy Crawford’s a beautiful super model. She was good enough for Richard Gere, she’s on my list. – I was just saying that you’re pretty like she’s pretty. – Got it.

I’m an old lady with a pre-cancerous Raisinet on my face. – What? No! Let’s start over. I’m Janey, and this is my Grandma. – I am Victoria! – Oh honey, they’re casting basic bitches down the hall. – If I wanted the opinion of a questionably sober old woman, I’d call my mother. And, I’d tell you that you’re not getting the part, but you already know that. Bye. – She was just trying to psych you out, that’s why she threw lampshade. – It’s just shade, Grandma. – Miss Skalecki? – That’s me. Grandma, what are you doing? – Well, I wanna see how it works. Don’t worry, I’ll be quiet as a church mouse. (group of people laughing) – So, cut to we’re on the side of the road, in our wearable blankets, and we look like a couple of Teletubbies and we shove the bumper into the backseat of the car.

(Grandma laughs) So, long story short, bye-bye cuddle clothes. – Long story long, Grandma, I think they’ve heard enough. Should I read? – Janey, Janey, you nailed it. I saw him write something next to your name. – Writing is good, writing is always good. – Yeah! We should celebrate. – What’s the coolest Hollywood hotspot we know? – Oh, you shoulda seen her, Heidi. That car commercial was hers. – God, I really hope so. Grandma’s retirement money’s only gonna last us a month or so. – Just so you know, I normally don’t fraternize with customers during a performance, I’m making an exception.

– Commitment. I love it. (cell phone rings) Hello? Hi. Yes. Oh, oh I see. Well, thanks for calling. – What happened? – That was casting, um, they decided to go in a different direction, so… – Oh, butterscotch? (cell phone rings) Hello? Oh, hi, I– Yes. I, uh… Oh. I understand. Thank you for calling. (cell phone clicks shut) – Who was that? – That was casting. I guess I’m the different direction. – Wait, you mean? – I got the part. – Well this is awkward. For you guys. Sups entertaining for me. You two are gonna be fun. – Take the bag. (guitar music with heavy beat) – Welcome to the Clerb.

Grandma, don’t mimic me. I say that ironically because I’m not wearing a Von Douche hat. This place is lit, let’s rage. – Hell, yeah. I need to pee. – So, we celebrating Grandma’s big role? Should we get her shots? Or are we being petty, I just met you so I don’t know how you roll. – No, I’m thrilled for her. – Yeah, you’re a really great actress. – Nevermind! The line was too long, I guess they’re all doing angel dust in there, right Heidi? – Yeah, it’s an epidemic. – And they’re playing shuffleboard, and all the men have fedoras, and the women are wearing oversized glasses, I feel like I’m in Florida! Maybe they have bingo. – Tuesdays. Grandma, why don’t you order? I wanna see what happens. – Bartender. We’ll have a Tom Collins, a mint julep, and an old-fashioned with three cherries.

– Savage. – IDs? I just meant– sure. – Well, congrats on your first gig, G-Money. – Yeah, it’s super cool. – Are you sure you’re really okay with all this? – For the millionth time, I’m happy for you. (Janey coughs) – Look at you Drunk Kitchen. – Let’s celebrate. – Yeah! I’m gonna get turned. – It’s turnt. – I’m gonna get turnt! (group cheering) Okay! (laughing) Sorry. (laughing) All right. Woo-hoo! – Your grandma is so cool.

Mine just whips me with prayer beads. (sexy dreamboat music) – I’m not a peen queen myself, but if I were you, I’d go talk to him. – Hey, who’s Molly? Everyone seems to be looking for her. – Stay away from Molly, Grandma, she’s dangerous. – Got it. – Ah, where is he? Where did my beautiful wet man go? – He left. Maybe you objectified him too much.

I liked it. (giggles) – I think it’s time for me to go. Can you tell Grandma she has a big shoot tomorrow and to get home okay? – I think G-String can take care of herself. – Oh-ho-ho, yes! (Grandma cheering) ♪ Dan cin’ at the Clerb at the Clerb ♪ Dan cin’ in the Clerb in the Clerb in the Clerb Woo! ♪ Dan cin’ in the Clerb in the Clerb (Janey thuds onto floor) – Grandma, are you drunk? – Oh sweetie, why did you leave early? Are you mad at me? You’re mad at me. – Hmm, let’s see, why would I be mad? You hijacked my audition, destroyed me in shuffleboard, and you didn’t even bring your own air mattress. – Oh. (burps) Excuse me. – You’re not excused. You know, you were supposed to have my back, not be my competition. – I knew you were mad at me.

I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to say, I don’t even know how those casting people got my number. – You were my emergency contact! – Oh, sweetie. Listen, I know that acting is your dream, but it just might be my dream, too. The truth is, the war didn’t keep me from coming to LA, there was no war. – So, you were lying. – Yeah, of course I was lying, how old do you think I am? But, you know how I don’t like to talk about my time in New York and the work I did off-off Broadway, and– – Yeah, ’cause of the beatniks.

– Oh, yeah they were everywhere. Tryin’ to read me their poetry. But still, my time in the theater, that was the most exciting time in my life. I wanted to move to Hollywood, but I was too scared. Uh, boy I hated admitting that out loud. Sitting on the couch with you these last few months, I didn’t want you to make the same mistakes I made, I wanted you to be brave, and you are. – If I’m brave it’s because you made me brave. But, why didn’t you tell me any of this before? – I wasn’t drunk. Look, I thought I was coming out here for you, I figured my ship had sailed. But then we got out here and there were boats everywhere! But you are far more important to me than any silly car commercial. If you don’t want me to do it, I’m not gonna do it. – I don’t want you to do it. – O-oh. Okay. – Grandma, I’m trolling you! Of course, you have to do it. I’m just worried. I’m not a fancy coffee performance artist, I didn’t go to acting school, what if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t get my shot? – Honey, we’re both gonna get our shot.

– (exhales) Ah, Grandma, what if we have to get jobs at the Stop ‘N’ Shop but then you get us fired for selling denture glue and then we can’t get jobs at Best Buy because you have a criminal record and I can’t wear khakis. Oh Grandma, why are you letting me go to this dark place. (Grandma snores) Grandma? (Grandma snores) (birds singing) (Grandma exhales) – Oh, oh good, you’re up. Look, what do you think? – Grandma, no you can’t wear that to the shoot. Or anywhere. – What am I gonna do? – Here. – You think I can pull this off? – That’s your jacket. – I hope they like me, I really wanna do a good job. – Don’t worry, they’re gonna love you. You’re cool. AF.

– What’s a “AF”? – (chuckles) It means super cool. – Oh. – Maybe I should just come with you. – That would be so AF, but first, coffee. – Big shoot today. Break a leg, G-Force. (upbeat dance music) (Janey sighs in wonder) – Grandma, this is real. – Wow. (Janey exclaims excitedly) What’s that, quack mouth? – Duck lips, but that’s out, it’s all about sparrow face, now. (Grandma cackles joyously) (Grandma breathing hard) (people talking in background) (sexy dreamboat music) (music cuts out) (fan blowing) He looks even hotter all windy.

– Go talk to him. C’mon, you’re the smartest, most beautiful AF girl I know. – Maybe let’s not use AF. – Noted. But did I ever tell you about Ethel Rutherford? Well, in high school she was always going on and on about how girls should never approach boys. She practically invented slut-shaming. Do you know where Ethel is now? She got married last month to her cat, Mr. Tuna Mouth. Do you understand what I’m saying? – That Ethel’s last name is now Tuna Mouth? – No, go talk to him. – Ehh! Hi, I’m Janey, are you wet? No, I’m wet. I mean, nobody’s wet, I’m dry, I’m dry Janey.

– I’m Oliver, assistant director. – Sorry, just got into town, I’m super out of it. I’m still on Michigan time. – No way. Check this out. – Is this real life? Are you really unbuttoning your shirt right now? – Go Blue! – You’re from Michigan, too? – Born and raised. Here, so I was in Detroit until the third grade, and then I moved here. – Lansing? – East Lansing, yeah. – Beautiful. – Nice meetin’ you. – Did you get his digits? – No. – What about his phone number? – Wait, ew, what did you mean by “get his digits”? Look Grandma, bumper in the car. – And there’s a girl with her grandma in this script.

They changed it. – Look! Cuddle clothes! – This is us! – Wait, so, they stole our story and they didn’t cast me? To play me? – Let’s get Grandma to the car. Okay everyone! Places in five. – Hey, Oliver? Maybe you could help me. Could you introduce me to the director? I think they may have stole my story, and, um, I auditioned. This part should be mine. – Oh, Um, I’m sure you’d be amazing but actually the– – Hey babe, I had the PA get you a BLT with extra B, and I told ’em that you hate mayo, so if there is any then you should get him fired. (Victoria exhales disgustedly) Why is this little Latin boy staring at us? – Come on, Victoria. This is Janey. – We met yesterday, at the audition? – Oh, I guess you didn’t get the part, ’cause I did.

– Wait, you’re playing me? And you’re dating him? Okay, I– Okay. No. Grandma, they cast someone else to be play me: that overtly sexual mean girl we met at the audition. – What? – Yeah, and she’s dating my beautiful, wet, windy man. – Oh, honey, you didn’t call him that to his face did y– Nevermind! I am just gonna quit. – No-no-no, don’t, you’re a professional. – Ugh, what smells like mothballs in here? – Oh, that tiny nose you paid too much for actually works? – Can you tell your house elf this is a closed set? – Don’t worry, I’m leaving. Could this day get any worse? – Okay, rehearsal. Grandma, pretend to shift the gear. – Okay, shifting. – Uh, Grandma? Grandma? Grandma, no, no! Grandma, Grandma, no! (remixed song with auto-tune audio) ♪ Grandma-Grandma-Grandma no (Janey slow motion exclamation) ♪ Grandma no ♪ Gr-Gr-Gr-Gr-Grandma ♪ Grandma no ♪ No ♪ Gr-Gr-Gr-Grandma no ♪ Gr-Gr-Gr-Gr-Grandma ♪♪ ♪♪ (Select Next jingle) (YouTube Red jingle) .