Tag Archives: Rosanna Arquette

Sideswiped – Ep 1 “Matching Up”

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ This thing always reminds me of a duck. Time to open my vagina! -Quack, quack, quack. -Put that down. ♪♪ Sorry. Is Dr. Olson gonna be long? Oh, she’s out today. Dr. Bennett will be covering. -Okay. -He’s great. That — He’s… He’s a guy? Yes. Is he like — is he, like, really old and doctory? Because I didn’t — I didn’t — I didn’t wax my… Dr. Bennett: Hello. I’m Dr. Bennett. ♪ Just came here ♪ ♪ And I don’t want you to leave ♪ ♪ I’ll stay here ♪ ♪ And get it started with me ♪ ♪ Can’t blame ya ♪ ♪ We bump into ya, baby ♪ All right, let’s see what we got here. Oh, look at that. Happy birthday.

Well, how do you know that? You — You counting the rings down there? No, I have your, uh… Oh, right. Stupid — my chart. -All right. – Well, I was gonna go over a few things here, and…then we’ll set you free. -You can go celebrate. -Great. Thanks. Uh… So, it says here it’s been a little over two years since your last Pap smear. Is that correct? Yeah, yeah. I haven’t had any sexual partners, so, no. Oh, okay. No sexual partner. Well, you don’t — you don’t have to write down, “No sexual partners.” I’ve had sex before. -Ah. -Like, a lot. Well, not a lot. I’m not a slut. No, I wasn’t thinking that you — You know, ’cause, the last — the last two years, I’ve had, like, no sex at all.

So, I mean — Has it really been two years? We don’t need to talk about it anymore. -I have all the information. -You know what? I think it’s probably fine down there. We can just come back when I’m having sex again. No, no, it’s okay. Honestly, I mean, you know, you’re here, you might as well… get it done, right? Especially since there’ll be no STD testing or family-planning concerns, I assume. No, no, that’s — that’s not — way in the future. Not even thinking about that yet. Okay. Well, I should let you know that, um, if you are ever thinking about having kids someday, the decline in fertility accelerates rapidly after 35. -Rapidly? -Mm-hmm. Just — Just something to, you know, think about. Uh-huh. Okay.

All right. Okay. So, I’ll just, um… We need to… And if you could just, uh, scoot towards me a little bit, please. La– Closer. Okay. A little closer. You just want to get to the very edge. Any closer and I’ll be your beard, okay? You know what? This is fine. I can do it from here. -Okay. -Speculum, please. Thank you. Okay. – -Okay, I just need a… Take a deep breath, try to relax. -All right. – Gonna hear some clicks. Uh, cytobrush, please. -It’s in the other room. – I’ll be right back. Um… She’ll be right back. – Right. – It’s okay. We’ll just wait.

Yeah. I guess we… Oh. You have any plans for your big day? I mean, besides coming to the gynecologist? -No, no, just working. -Gotcha. This is the only action I’m getting today. Oh, no, I didn’t mean like — I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean this was action. You know? I would have at least waxed, which I normally do, by the way.

You just — You’re catching me right before I go in. I actually have an appointment today, right after this. Today is my day of appointments. Probably should have done that one first, though, right? No, no, it’s fine. I mean, it’s not that bad at all. I mean, it’s not bad. I mean, I’m not good — Just fine. You have to grow your hair out when you wax, okay? That’s how it works, So that’s why mine looks like that right now.

It doesn’t normally look like that. Just right before I wax, which I’m doing today. I mean, not bald. Gonna leave a little hair. -I’m not seven. -Right. I always think it’s strange when guys are into girls like that, you know. You need something, right? Like a landing strip or something, right? Ah, the cytobrush! Awesome. Thank you. Okay. Just relax. There we go. Breathe through it. Olivia: Nobody wants to think about getting older, but the reality is, we all do. I mean, trust me, I know from personal experience what happens if you don’t plan ahead. Like, my dad had a heart attack during a golf lesson and left my mom with nothing but a mortgage and 12 more golf lessons. Definitely was not the future that she planned. Let us help you set your family up with life insurance and protect your family today.

Great, I’ll transfer you to Danny for an appointment. Okay. Aww, you brought me a cake. Jayne: Yeah. With a fuck-ton of candles! Mmm. ♪♪ Happy birthday. Does mom know you’re using her story to sell insurance? Whatever. Mom’s living in my guest room, -it’s my story now, too. -Mmm. Danny, can you pick up line two to schedule an appointment for Mrs. Reeves? Will do. ♪ Hey, baby♪ ♪ Come on in, I’ve been waiting for ya♪ God damn it, Danny, I told you to use the intercom. Right, sorry — more profesh. -Hey, Jayne. -Hey. -So sporty. -Thank you. -Is it your birthday? -Line two. Oh, right. Birthday on a Friday night. Do you want to go out? -Please say yes. -No, I can’t. I’m doing L.A.E.s tonight. You’re getting laid tonight? No, L.A.E.s — loss adjustment expenses. No, you need to go out and meet real people. We’re gonna get you real laid. You know, after three dates, and if he’s husband material, but…

I don’t want to go out, Jayne. I’m too tired. Well, yeah, that’s what happens when you get old. -I am not old. -Yeah. My God, couldn’t you have just used a lighter? No, it’s so much funnier this way. Okay. That’s enough. Here. Can — Can you get the grimace off your face for one minute? My doctor told me I had to freeze my eggs today because apparently your ovaries explode at 35. Well, yeah, it’s true. The shit is just drying up down there.

Shut up, Jayne. My eggs are plentiful and wet. You haven’t even gone on one date -since you and Ryan broke up. -Yeah, because I’ve been busy. Yeah, but there are so many apps for that. We need to get you on Tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match, OKCupid, Hinge, Zoosk, Badoo. All right, now you’re just making up sounds. Okay, we can at least go out one night for your birthday. Come on! We can go out like we used to. You just want to go out because you’re bored and you can finally drink. Okay, I love my life. But have you seen my nipples? Oh — Jayne, oh, my God! I — I fucking work here! Put your shirt down, you psycho. No, I need you to look at them, Olivia.

18 hours a day, I swear to God, all I do is feed that goddamn thing. I need a night out. Please. Mrs. Reeves is scheduled for Frid– -Oh, my God! -Intercom, Danny. Go! I have some ChapStick in my — -Go, please. -Oh, sorry. Jim looks at me the same way when he sees me naked. I need to get my vagina tightened. Abby ripped it all the way down to my butt with her big, fat head. I don’t think it healed right. You have got to stop talking about your ripped vagina in my office. Look, I’m abandoning my baby for the first time to take you out on your birthday so you don’t die alone. Olivia, you got to get out and meet people. I’m good. Thanks. Fine. Go do your stupid L.A.E.s all alone on a Friday night, on your birthday, unmarried, no kids, just completely by yourself while I’m at home being showered in love by my family.

All right, I get it — I’m gonna be alone. Speaking of that… thank you so much for my cake and for making me feel so great on my birthday. I’ll call you later. All right. Happy birthday. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ My God! Mom! You scared the shit out of me! What is wrong with your face? What? I watched Kylie Jenner’s makeup tutorial on YouTube. Where are we going to celebrate your birthday? ♪♪ We aren’t going anywhere. I’m exhausted, and I still have a lot of work to do. Life isn’t all about work. Says the lady who’s never had a job in her life. Happy birthday. Mm. I noticed some wrinkles, around your eyes, popping up. You get that from your dad. But that should cover your first unit of Botox. I think you’re gonna love it.

I’ve never had to do it, but I’ll go with you. I’ll bring rose, and we’ll have a girls’ day. I seriously can’t live with that woman anymore. She’s making me crazy. Yeah, well, Mom’s batshit. I’m just happy she got you out. -Hey. -Oh, hello! Mwah. Oh, God, Jim, what did you eat? I had garlic fries at work a couple hours ago. -Hey, Olivia. -Hey, Jim. All right, well, you girls have fun tonight. Abby and I will hold down the fort. Oh, babe, you should bring some smatter tonight. What’s smatter? -No, Liv, don’t ask. -Nothing. What’s the matter with you? – -That’s a great one, honey. Thank you so much. Bye, honey. -I got to get ready. -He’s so cute. Yeah, he’d be even cuter if he cared what I thought about his breath. Now my upper lip smells like garlic spit. Oh, my God, these frickin’ boobs! Well, you better shove those enormous, over-sucked purple nipples into that dress and get out before I change my mind.

It’s already past my bedtime. Okay, well, the tits are in and I am on my way. Whoo! Cashier: Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you tonight? Can I get your biggest iced coffee, please? Okay. That will be $3.95. Cashier: My gosh! My mom does the same thing! -It’s so funny. -Hilarious. Oh, actually, the girl that was in front of you paid for your drink. What? Why? I guess just to pay it forward, kind of thing. God, that is so nice. Let me pay for that car behind me. Okay. -That’ll be $17.20. -What the fuck? -Mine was like $3.00. -Yeah. Well, okay, let me pay for the car behind them. Uh, theirs is $19.80. What the hell are people drinking? You don’t have to pay. I think she just wanted to do something nice.

No, I mean, I-I want to pay. It just doesn’t seem fair, you know? I got an iced coffee. Sure. Oh, God. Fine, here. All right, thank you. $37?! Yeah, for both cars. Isn’t that what you said? Have a great day. Thank you. -Oh, just a second, miss. -Oh, you need to see my I.D.? No, you’re fine. You can’t bring that drink inside. Look, I just paid 40 bucks for a fuckin’ iced coffee. -Please. -That’s…just stupid. I understand that, thank you. -You’re not bringing it in. -It’s my birthday. Man, I mean, can’t you just let this one thing slide? Happy birthday. -Thanks. -No. No way. 40 bucks! -Now ask for my I.D. -What? I said, “Ask for my I.D.” -Show me your I.D. -Okay. I forgot it. You’re fine. Just go inside. Happy birthday. -Happy birthday. -I’m fucking old, Jayne! Whoa. Why are you yelling? Sorry, I just drank a shit-ton of coffee. I ordered us tequila shots. Alcohol’s a depressant. It will counteract. -Okay. Oh, sure. -Mmm. Mmm! Oh, do you think I look old? ‘Cause this is it.

I’m, like, officially mid-30s — like, right smack-dab in the middle. The skin around my eyes looks like a Shar Pei when I smile. Do you see the wrinkles? Those showed up today. And, apparently, all my eggs are drying up at a rapid pace. -I’m freaking out, Jayne. -Oh, my God. Can you please– Sorry, sorry, too much coffee. You know, I didn’t get carded coming in here. Did you? I don’t think I look that old, do you? Think I work too much, because that can make you look old. God, I can’t believe we actually made it out. We so needed this. Your boobs look amazing! Okay, we need to order more. You’re literally having a conversation with yourself. But, first, I have a surprise for you.

-What? -I signed you up for Tinder! ♪ I’m giving you the finger ♪ ♪ I’m pressing “delete” ♪ -♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ – Get it? ‘Cause you gotta kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince. You used my real name? No — What — Where did you even get this picture? From my bachelorette party. It was the only one I could find of you not in a blazer. -Look at all the guys on here. -Jayne, delete the app. What if someone I know sees me on here? Everyone’s on here. It’s really not a big deal. Seriously, take me off. Liv, you gotta get back out there, okay? You need to start kissing your toads soon. You’re gonna be like 70 before you find a good guy. End up like that lady — desperate as fuck. -See, that’s sad. -That’s your future. That’s Mom. Mom! Wow! -Mom, what are you doing here? -What, you think you’re gonna go and celebrate your birthday without me? Jayne tagged your location on Instagram. What? I got bored waiting for you. -Oh, God. -Who’s our new dad? Oh, that’s Hank, my Tinder date. I’ll call him later. Girls’ night! See, Liv? Even Mom’s on Tinder.

Oh, if you’d just knock the rust off your fuzz box. I mean, when was the last time you got laid? Mom?! No, I’m serious, do hymens grow back? Okay, we’re gonna need some more shots, please — three. -I made her a Tinder profile. -Thank you. -Ooh! -Mm-hmm. Is that you? Well, you look hot! -Thank you. -Just try it tonight. Start kissing some toads. You said “toads” one more time, Jayne, -I’m gonna slap you. -I told you, you need Botox.

I mean, look how good you look without those crow’s-feet. -I’m gonna go pee. -Wait. Ryan! -It’s Ryan, it’s Ryan. -Let me see. What do you mean, it’s Ryan? ♪♪ Okay. You know what? Fuck it. If he can move on, so can I. Bye, Felicia! Oh, no, you just swiped right on Ryan. What do you mean, I swiped right on Ryan? What does that mean? What does that mean, Jayne? Undo it! Fix it, I mean, Jayne, fix it! Wait, wait, let me just Tinder for you.

Let me just Tinder for you. It’s fine. No. Jayne, stop, stop, Jayne! Fucking stop, Jayne! I don’t want to go out with all these guys. -Come on, it’s fun. -For you. Okay, this guy works in insurance. Your pay-it-forward karma’s coming back. Oh, he would love your pantsuits, Liv. Stop, Jayne. But Cunningham’s Insurance is huge. I always wanted to work there. Doesn’t he have any pictures with his shirt off, -like the rest of the guys? -He’s 24 miles away. -So, Jayne? -I’m inviting him out. -Stop. -No, no, it’ll be good. -Jayne, stop, no! -It’s been a while. You need our help. I don’t want to go out with that guy? What did you do?! Oh, my God, he just wrote that he’s coming.

-Date number one! -Ooh! Oh, I hope you shaved your vagina. Okay, I’m gonna need another shot. Thanks. ♪♪ -Oh, God, that’s him. -He’s cute. Just talk insurance. -You should be fine. -Oh, I never peed. Don’t go now. He’ll think you’re a weirdo. Hey. Hi, Olivia Maple. Nice to meet you. Hi, Aaron Cunningham. -Cunningham? -Mm-hmm. Like where you work, Cunningham? Yeah, yeah. Like my dad, who started the company. I’m the CEO, ’cause my brother is an idiot. Olivia’s in insurance, too. Aren’t you two cute? Mom, leave them alone. Sorry, this — this is awkward, but this is my mom, Mary, and my sister, Jayne. Wow. That’s so funny, ’cause they weren’t in your Tinder picture. We do not come as one.

-No, I know, I know. -It’s just me. That’s so cool that you… go out with your mom and your sister. That’s crazy. Well, I had her when I was 18, and most people think that we’re sisters. -I can totally see that. – Maybe I should get everybody a drink. No, no, that’s okay, that’s okay, they’re leaving. -Birthday shots! -Yeah. Four tequila shots, please. -Whose birthday is it? -It’s mine. I know it seems pathetic that I came out on my birthday with my mom and my sister, and that we went on Tinder while we were here. But I swear to God, I’m usually super normal. Know what? I’m not a big fan of normal. That’s good. Cheers. -Happy birthday. -Thank you.

-I’m glad I came. -I am, too. She’s definitely awkward. Okay, do you — do you want to go grab a table, alone? Yeah, I would love that. I — not that I don’t want to be on a date with all of the sister-wives. That’s — This is just her decision. Whoo. Come on. -Well, this is better. -Yeah. Sorry, my family can be a little out-there. Oh, they were great. They were great. -Your sister is drunk. – Yeah. I mean, first date, and I met your mom, so… Yeah, but that’s definitely not something to brag about.

-Trust me. I live with her. -Oh. You live with your mom? I mean, no, she lives with me, temporarily. -That’s cool. -No, my dad died, -and she didn’t have — -Oh, I’m sorry. This is way too much information to be giving on a first date. -It is. -I’m gonna stop talking. How many red flags do you think I’ve raised at this point? -Five. -Five?! That’s okay. Hey, I love red flags. -You love — -You are putting up more red flags than China, but, yes. Well, good thing you love them. That’s awesome. Oh, yeah, yeah. I’m hoping that you’ve got like 10 cats at home. Yeah? -Oh, man. I have no cats. -No cats? -I’m allergic. -Oh, me, too. -Really? -Yeah. I told you, I’m usually way more normal than I am tonight. And I told you… I’m not a fan of normal. ♪♪ You know, I always thought Tinder was, -like, just a hook-up app. -Oh, it is. We are totally banging after this. -Oh, God. -I’m so sorry. I was — That was totally a joke. I have a very dry sense of humor. I’m sorry. No, no, no. No, you’re awesome, but I drank my body weight in coffee before I came in here, and I’m about to piss myself, so…

Oh, don’t do that. They have bathrooms for that. Oh. That’s a much better idea. -Yeah. -I’ll be, like, two seconds. -Okay, you want a drink? -Um, no, I think I’m good. Thanks. Oh, God. Oh, okay. Excuse me, I have to pee so bad. Is there a way I could just cut in front of you? -Oh, you have to pee? -Yeah. Oh, okay, why don’t you just go ahead of all of us, then. We’re just standing here as performance art. It’s called “wait in fucking line,” bitch. Okay. Oh. I was… Man: Someone’s in here! Oh, how long are you gonna be? -As long as it takes. -Come on.

Who takes a shit in a bar?! God. Oh! Oh, my God. Okay. You’re making me do this! Oh, God. Don’t come out until I say! Oh! -Jesus, lady. -Oh, God, shut up. -Ahh! – Ocupado! Ocupado!! God! Oh! Are you still not a fan of normal? Oh, God. Well, I guess my dreams of working at Cunningham’s Insurance is dead. -What is so funny? -I told you to hold it. I couldn’t, Jayne. 30 ounces of coffee and a shit-ton of tequila, it was like a damn geyser. Well, I still don’t think that’s a deal-breaker. I mean, they make pornos about that. Oh, my quads hurt from squatting. You know why this happened, right? It’s ’cause you didn’t pay it forward right. You had all that negative energy while you were paying — I’m gonna pay you fucking forward in the face, Jayne. See, there’s the negative energy. I wasn’t into him anyway. Yeah, why would you be, Olivia? A hot CEO with Pantene Pro-V hair, a great sense of humor. Wow, let’s kill him! He was frickin’ marriage material, Olivia. So what? Not everybody wants to get married with kids by 30, Jayne.

-Well, you’re pushing 40. -Yeah. And with only one serious relationship under your belt. So… ♪ I know you could be ♪ ♪ The one who saves me ♪ ♪♪ Give me your phone. Are we gonna Tinder? Fuck yeah. We are swiping right! -Whoo! -Whoo! Cheers! -Cheers! -Cheers! ♪ To bring ours back where we used to be ♪ All right. Oh. Oh, God. ♪♪ Oh my God. ♪♪ Jayne? Jayne? Jayne?! -Good morning, pukey. -What the fuck is that beeping? -What beeping? -Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, fuck. Shut up. Holy shit! 252 matches? Oh, to be young again. How many times did I swipe right?! Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe! Another match! I can’t hear you! Yeah. I got a boyfriend! I got a boyfriend! Oh. Oh, shh! Sorry.

Ohh. 252 guys swiped right on me? Whatever. Just write it off to a fun, drunken night. Then you can go back to your regularly scheduled programming of cubicles and conference calls. You know what? Fuck it. I’m done doing that. I mean, I’m still gonna work with the cubicles and conference calls. I love my job. But last night was the most fun I’ve had ever, even though I power-pissed in a urinal in front of a hot CEO. I still don’t think that’s a deal-breaker. Yesterday, I woke up fine — totally happy with where I was and how my life was going. And then it’s like… all of a sudden, I’m old. And I realized last night that… I’ve been a swipe-left girl. A what? I’ve been swiping left on life, and it’s just… passing me by. Well, I’m done doing that.

From now on, I’m the swipe-right girl. I’m gonna go out with every single one of those motherfuckers. All of them? I don’t know, Mom, I’m having a moment here. Hmm. You’re gonna go out with this dude? -Oh, my God. -Can’t we go on double dates? Absolutely not, Mom. I’m not getting into another relationship with you still living here. We saw how that worked out last time. Whoa! Suddenly, you’re getting into a relationship? No, I’m just saying that maybe it’s good that we try something new. -It could be fun. -Well, what about me? You just take care of that kid and keep those nipples covered. It’s gross. I hate my body. This guy is pretty hot. -Minus the five-toed shoes. -Jayne: That’s fixable. There’s gotta be at least one good one on here, right? Well… Click to watch another free episode of “Sideswiped,” or you can sign up to binge the entire series for free. You can access YouTube Premium free for 30 days. ♪♪ ♪♪ .