Tag Archives: comedy

Cyanide & Happiness Compilation – #1

*Muffled laughter* *plate shatters* -*Chuckles* Well son, are you ready to open your present? Whoa! *Tears wrapping paper* -Wha…? -It’s your very own pony! Dad, you idiot! I WANTED AN XBOX! *Grumbles* Nuh uh uh! Not so fast, son. This isn’t JUST a pony, for within this pony is the antidote. An antidote you ask? Why; the antidote for the POISON that was in your birthday cake! *Flickers lights and imitates thunder* *Sinister chuckle* Oh yes, that’s right son. You ate a poison! Now you get to choose either to kill the pony to retrieve the antidote, or spare the pony and let yourself DIE! The clock is ticking, birthday boy. *Maniacal laughter* Kill the pony! *Laughs* Yes, yeah son! -*Screams and charges towards pony* *Sounds of stabbing, neighing horse* *Yelps and begins to sob* *Shuffles through horse’s organs* -*Running noises* Happy birthday, son! *Laughs* Well, it would seem that the lesson…

…was more valuable than the present; ey, boy? *Opens fridge* Reach into the back; those are the freshest. I know, I know… *Grunts* Whoa! Okay, I got it. We’re going to need you to power down before takeoff. Thank you! *Attention sound* Welcome aboard Magic Airlines. This is your (uhh…) captain speaking. If you look down the aisle, you’ll see (uhh…) Cindy, who will be… …demonstrating for you the (uhh…) safety features we have on-board your flight. Emergency exits can be found at the front and rear of the plane. Please turn off all electronic devices during this time until it is safe. In case of an emergency, An oxygen mask will dispense from your overhead. To inflate your life preserver, pull on these doohickeys here. That oughta do it.

Magic Airlines appreciates your attention; thank you. *Attention sound* Alright folks, buckle up, I hope you paid attention to our safety features on today’s flight, Because (uhh…) we’re gonna take a little pop quiz. *Plane splashes* “Crowd Gasps” *Screams of fear* *Metal clank, screams from climbers* There’s too much weight! I — I have to cut the rope! *stammers* I’m sorry! WAIT! Let me do it! Whoa! What the fuck, dude?! There’s too much weight; it has to be done. I’m sorry! What makes you think he can hold you?! Trust me, he can! He’s been working out! Tell him I’ve been working out! Well, if anything, can’t we cut the piano off? Huh.

Yeah, that might actually be a good place to start. Whoa, whoa whoa! Slow down! Slow the fuck down! I didn’t come all the way to perform the first sonata… …at the summit of this mountain just to fall off and die! Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sorry, there’s no other way. I..I’m so sorry… Your piano is just too heavy… Your mother’s too heavy! Hey! -You take that back! Make me! *begins to cut* I take it back! *rock crumbles* Guys, I’m slipping! *Dramatic piano music* Haha, nice! Thank you! -Seriously though, we’re all gonna die! Hold on! We’re…we’re gonna figure this out!!! If I may, if you’re still deciding that whole “where to cut the rope” thing, *chuckles* Um, pretty sure the guy below me is a pedophile. I’m a teacher; not a pedophile!!! This is a field trip; I’ve told you guys like nine times! Wait, there’s kids down there? We can’t kill kids! Not just that; they’re retarded kids!!! Oh, God! -This is bad! This is really bad! Hey, uh… can we just cut off the panda bear? -*Whimpers* I should think not! That’s an endangered species! Oh, okay.

Hmm. (to all) What does everyone else think? Drop him. -Ditto. -Kill the panda! Cool; here ya go! Whoops! Well, this is it! *Sad piano music* It’s been an honor climbing with you guys! I’ll see you all in another life! *Music stops, snapping sound* *Multiple thuds and groans* -that’s the knife. *Phone rings* Hi, this is Rod’s Thick Pizza. How do you want it? Hi there. I’m a real lonely girl, and I’m so hungry. I could take ALL the meat you have. Mmm…

I think we could “do it” for you, Would you perhaps like a spicy mexican? Or a hot Italian sausage?… Ooh, I’ll take Italian, with extra sausage. Now ma’am, you know we only do it “deep”… I’m so ready!!! Mmm, good. I’ll be “coming” in thirty minutes. See you then. I’ll be waiting… *Doorbell rings* Hello ma’am, here’s your pizza!!! Aaaaand? Aaaaaand…that’ll be 12.95.

“Shocking breath” *Laughing* “Panicked shout” Alright everyone!!! Let’s get moving!!! Single file, let’s go!!! *Screams* Sorry, we’re only evacuating woman and children first. Hey Hey..mom!! Whaaa. WHAAAA. Whaaaa whaaa! *Struggling Grunt* huuuu, huuuh!!! Alright, we have room for two more. Next. Wah. Ok, climb aboard. Ha, thank’s ma’am (Man voice) No problem -Hehehey, alriiight! -Get this bra off me! *Chattering* *Crying* Doc, give me the good news! How’s my bundle of joy doing? (Low voice) Hmm…No… No that’s…that’s not right at all… Oh no?…Is there something wrong? Uh…

I’m sorry to tell you this, Miss McCloud but… I think you’re feelling what is called a “phantom pregnancy.” The symptoms you’re experiencing are psychosomatic… You simply aren’t pregnant.. WHAT?!! No that can’t be, i know that I’m pregnant i can feel it! Ma’am, I understand that this is very difficult news to hear… But I can assure you that you’re not pregant. -I’m so sorry, I can’t ima… -wuuuuUUUAAAAA I’M GOING INTO LABOUR! AAAHHH Woah woah woah woah, wait, wai..wait, what? How can that happ… Oh o.. o.. ok um… Take deep breath Miss McCloud, uhh… Deep breaths… In, and out In, and out -Haaaaaaa!!! -Ok you’re doing good -AAAAAAH!!!!!! IT HURTS!! -Keep breathing -IT F*CKING HUUURTS!!!! You better watch you’re mouth Miss McCloud, you’re baby’s coming out swearin’ like a sailor! SHUT THE F*CK UP AND HELP ME!!!! Yes of course, Just keep pushing, and focus on the breathing, -Perfect, Just like that… -AAAAAAAH -I think I can see it! -HAAOOOooow SHIT! “Plop” I cannot believe it!!! It’s a boy!!! Well, Ms. McCloud, it seems I spoke too soon! You are now the proud mother of a bouncing baby bo…..

M.. Miss McCloud? Okay, when we break the news to the kids, We need to do it in a way that doesn’t make one of us seem like “the bad guy.” We need to let them know that we still love them…we just don’t love each other. Yeah… you’re right. But, look, it’s okay, I’ll start the conversation… If they have any anger, it will be towards me. They can’t be mad forever. Really? Wow. Thank you Brad. That’s very mature of you. Well… they’ve always liked you more anyway…

Heh… Kiiiids, put you’re toys down for a minute. Your father and I… Your father and I have something to tell you… Kids, your mom and I love you, very much. So very much! You’re just the best kids in the gosh darn world, and we are so lucky to be your parents.. And that’s why, I’M RAISING YOUR ALLOWANCE BY FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS! (Both kids) -Yeaaahhhh! What? -Thank you daddy! -You’re the best dad ever. Brad? What are you doing? Kid’s, you’re not getting a bigger allowance. Your father and I are getting a divorce! WHAT??!! Noo!! M-Mom? Whyyy??!!! -Why are you doing this to us? -Yeah mom, whyyyy? *Cries* You monster!!!!! “Neighing horse” “Country Music” Starly: Can I put it in your butt? Starfy: Can you put it in my what? Starly: Can I put it in your butt? Starfy: Can you put it in my what? Starly: Can I put it in your butt? Starfy: Yes you can! Starly: Thank you Starfy! Haaa…

Pinocchio, you look marvelous. You almost look like a real boy… I wanna be a REAL doll! *Flute Music* *Drilling* “SMS” “whistle music” “Blink” “Whistle” “SMS” “Cash sound” “Whistle” “SMS” “Sad violin music” “Whistle” “SMS” “Whistle” “SMS” “Whistle” “SMS” “Suspense Music” Pfft… “Whistle” “Scream” “Sad piano music” *Whistle music* *Crying bird chirps* .

The Grinch Trailer #1 (2018) | Movieclips Trailers

Illumination! (laughing) (screams) (“Happy” by Pharrell Williams playing) Hmm? (groans) (“Happy” by Pharrell Williams playing continues) Aah! (crash) Humph. (“Happy” by Pharrell Williams playing continues again) (groans) Max! GRINCH: Max! (singing) You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch You really are a heel You’re as cuddly as a cactus You’re as charming as an eel Mr. Grinch You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel Today, we will do mean things and we will do them in style.

Oh, hello! Happy ho– Eh-eh. (grunting) What’s this? Excuse me. Are you getting that? No. (chuckling) (retches) (vomits) Ugh! (growling) The Grinch Mmm… Pop! (coos) .

🎬9-0 HAT-TRICK CLUB!🎬 Neymar gatecrashes Hat-Trick Club! (PSG vs Guingamp Parody)

Gillian welcomes a hatchery club and welcome to your dog as you know the first rule of hatchery club is you have to have scored a hair treat for your club or country Oh kaanchi which means it’s earlier today sorry late late you’re nuts even on the entry list stop pulling my hair you son of a female dog valium Chilean Nina I’m afraid the first water fast return is you have to have scored a trick for your club oh don’t you come I was going to say country oh and stop pulling my hair you senator female socks oh you’re right long hair it’s for girls what’s you had dreadlocks last week dreadlocks is long hair but for cool people shoe you looks like Whoopi Goldberg oh I mean it stop pulling my hair I’m going to kick your bum in a minute Oh losers pick your bum read it and weep Whoopi nine now three for me three for him sue for you no her cheek no match for now Jo away you haven’t heard the last of ders oh geez he’s so selfish no this is the part where we’re supposed to get our balls outs and tasmiyah damn what a magical silly oh thank goodness but we both scored hat-tricks elect and there is only one match below so what do we do well there’s nothing in the Hedrick club rules about hatrocks in the same game oh but luckily there is in my contract the events of somebody else during a hetrick in the same game as mr.

Cavani that’s me mr. Cavani will be awarded the match ball mom says it right here let me see em just there move your finger what that’s been added in pencil no it’s essence that’s just that’s just the fun Gillian oh not dissident gets outs whoopee Wow stopping my chair Gillian tell him where you’ll just blamed my boy so you’re on your own just like in the country everything okay how about I let you hold my ball that sounds of prickers roll up Gillian no okay how about I give you half of my balls do so skirt roll up it’s 2019 there is nothing wrong with being Jay there is if he’s not gay and you’re trying to get you to hold your ball is a path to match ball Oh like this here killing you I have one of my balls sounds a bit gay wow what slow Joyce of major cadets what’s you say so sorry Dupre she’s Savi’s apology accepted now let’s put that behind us and move on we have one match ball itch let’s get admiring each other’s balls where did you even get those match balls they were all round the pitch there was more than one match ball yes it was multiple it’s not 1972 that’s probably what ever since Barbara says when he sees that her toe every week Gillian problem solved now you have a match ball so you can sell whoopee he can’t stay because he didn’t score a hat-trick but mark did score boys clear no he didn’t yes he did you just wrote that’s in Plainfield no I didn’t it’s just the font I deserve luckily I never came here without a rubber sounds a bit how does that sounds a bit pink oh wait till oppress me about their life out of here Cavani bitch teammate in violent homophobic range drill heads we grab correction violent and formost homophobic rhymes Falmouth’s I said whoo Cavani commands teammates too screwed in basements oh and as far as thanking since you can shove your boss up even worse that’s practically Oh too funny I think you went a bit far system

Sideswiped – Ep 1 “Matching Up”

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ This thing always reminds me of a duck. Time to open my vagina! -Quack, quack, quack. -Put that down. ♪♪ Sorry. Is Dr. Olson gonna be long? Oh, she’s out today. Dr. Bennett will be covering. -Okay. -He’s great. That — He’s… He’s a guy? Yes. Is he like — is he, like, really old and doctory? Because I didn’t — I didn’t — I didn’t wax my… Dr. Bennett: Hello. I’m Dr. Bennett. ♪ Just came here ♪ ♪ And I don’t want you to leave ♪ ♪ I’ll stay here ♪ ♪ And get it started with me ♪ ♪ Can’t blame ya ♪ ♪ We bump into ya, baby ♪ All right, let’s see what we got here. Oh, look at that. Happy birthday.

Well, how do you know that? You — You counting the rings down there? No, I have your, uh… Oh, right. Stupid — my chart. -All right. – Well, I was gonna go over a few things here, and…then we’ll set you free. -You can go celebrate. -Great. Thanks. Uh… So, it says here it’s been a little over two years since your last Pap smear. Is that correct? Yeah, yeah. I haven’t had any sexual partners, so, no. Oh, okay. No sexual partner. Well, you don’t — you don’t have to write down, “No sexual partners.” I’ve had sex before. -Ah. -Like, a lot. Well, not a lot. I’m not a slut. No, I wasn’t thinking that you — You know, ’cause, the last — the last two years, I’ve had, like, no sex at all.

So, I mean — Has it really been two years? We don’t need to talk about it anymore. -I have all the information. -You know what? I think it’s probably fine down there. We can just come back when I’m having sex again. No, no, it’s okay. Honestly, I mean, you know, you’re here, you might as well… get it done, right? Especially since there’ll be no STD testing or family-planning concerns, I assume. No, no, that’s — that’s not — way in the future. Not even thinking about that yet. Okay. Well, I should let you know that, um, if you are ever thinking about having kids someday, the decline in fertility accelerates rapidly after 35. -Rapidly? -Mm-hmm. Just — Just something to, you know, think about. Uh-huh. Okay.

All right. Okay. So, I’ll just, um… We need to… And if you could just, uh, scoot towards me a little bit, please. La– Closer. Okay. A little closer. You just want to get to the very edge. Any closer and I’ll be your beard, okay? You know what? This is fine. I can do it from here. -Okay. -Speculum, please. Thank you. Okay. – -Okay, I just need a… Take a deep breath, try to relax. -All right. – Gonna hear some clicks. Uh, cytobrush, please. -It’s in the other room. – I’ll be right back. Um… She’ll be right back. – Right. – It’s okay. We’ll just wait.

Yeah. I guess we… Oh. You have any plans for your big day? I mean, besides coming to the gynecologist? -No, no, just working. -Gotcha. This is the only action I’m getting today. Oh, no, I didn’t mean like — I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean this was action. You know? I would have at least waxed, which I normally do, by the way.

You just — You’re catching me right before I go in. I actually have an appointment today, right after this. Today is my day of appointments. Probably should have done that one first, though, right? No, no, it’s fine. I mean, it’s not that bad at all. I mean, it’s not bad. I mean, I’m not good — Just fine. You have to grow your hair out when you wax, okay? That’s how it works, So that’s why mine looks like that right now.

It doesn’t normally look like that. Just right before I wax, which I’m doing today. I mean, not bald. Gonna leave a little hair. -I’m not seven. -Right. I always think it’s strange when guys are into girls like that, you know. You need something, right? Like a landing strip or something, right? Ah, the cytobrush! Awesome. Thank you. Okay. Just relax. There we go. Breathe through it. Olivia: Nobody wants to think about getting older, but the reality is, we all do. I mean, trust me, I know from personal experience what happens if you don’t plan ahead. Like, my dad had a heart attack during a golf lesson and left my mom with nothing but a mortgage and 12 more golf lessons. Definitely was not the future that she planned. Let us help you set your family up with life insurance and protect your family today.

Great, I’ll transfer you to Danny for an appointment. Okay. Aww, you brought me a cake. Jayne: Yeah. With a fuck-ton of candles! Mmm. ♪♪ Happy birthday. Does mom know you’re using her story to sell insurance? Whatever. Mom’s living in my guest room, -it’s my story now, too. -Mmm. Danny, can you pick up line two to schedule an appointment for Mrs. Reeves? Will do. ♪ Hey, baby♪ ♪ Come on in, I’ve been waiting for ya♪ God damn it, Danny, I told you to use the intercom. Right, sorry — more profesh. -Hey, Jayne. -Hey. -So sporty. -Thank you. -Is it your birthday? -Line two. Oh, right. Birthday on a Friday night. Do you want to go out? -Please say yes. -No, I can’t. I’m doing L.A.E.s tonight. You’re getting laid tonight? No, L.A.E.s — loss adjustment expenses. No, you need to go out and meet real people. We’re gonna get you real laid. You know, after three dates, and if he’s husband material, but…

I don’t want to go out, Jayne. I’m too tired. Well, yeah, that’s what happens when you get old. -I am not old. -Yeah. My God, couldn’t you have just used a lighter? No, it’s so much funnier this way. Okay. That’s enough. Here. Can — Can you get the grimace off your face for one minute? My doctor told me I had to freeze my eggs today because apparently your ovaries explode at 35. Well, yeah, it’s true. The shit is just drying up down there.

Shut up, Jayne. My eggs are plentiful and wet. You haven’t even gone on one date -since you and Ryan broke up. -Yeah, because I’ve been busy. Yeah, but there are so many apps for that. We need to get you on Tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match, OKCupid, Hinge, Zoosk, Badoo. All right, now you’re just making up sounds. Okay, we can at least go out one night for your birthday. Come on! We can go out like we used to. You just want to go out because you’re bored and you can finally drink. Okay, I love my life. But have you seen my nipples? Oh — Jayne, oh, my God! I — I fucking work here! Put your shirt down, you psycho. No, I need you to look at them, Olivia.

18 hours a day, I swear to God, all I do is feed that goddamn thing. I need a night out. Please. Mrs. Reeves is scheduled for Frid– -Oh, my God! -Intercom, Danny. Go! I have some ChapStick in my — -Go, please. -Oh, sorry. Jim looks at me the same way when he sees me naked. I need to get my vagina tightened. Abby ripped it all the way down to my butt with her big, fat head. I don’t think it healed right. You have got to stop talking about your ripped vagina in my office. Look, I’m abandoning my baby for the first time to take you out on your birthday so you don’t die alone. Olivia, you got to get out and meet people. I’m good. Thanks. Fine. Go do your stupid L.A.E.s all alone on a Friday night, on your birthday, unmarried, no kids, just completely by yourself while I’m at home being showered in love by my family.

All right, I get it — I’m gonna be alone. Speaking of that… thank you so much for my cake and for making me feel so great on my birthday. I’ll call you later. All right. Happy birthday. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ My God! Mom! You scared the shit out of me! What is wrong with your face? What? I watched Kylie Jenner’s makeup tutorial on YouTube. Where are we going to celebrate your birthday? ♪♪ We aren’t going anywhere. I’m exhausted, and I still have a lot of work to do. Life isn’t all about work. Says the lady who’s never had a job in her life. Happy birthday. Mm. I noticed some wrinkles, around your eyes, popping up. You get that from your dad. But that should cover your first unit of Botox. I think you’re gonna love it.

I’ve never had to do it, but I’ll go with you. I’ll bring rose, and we’ll have a girls’ day. I seriously can’t live with that woman anymore. She’s making me crazy. Yeah, well, Mom’s batshit. I’m just happy she got you out. -Hey. -Oh, hello! Mwah. Oh, God, Jim, what did you eat? I had garlic fries at work a couple hours ago. -Hey, Olivia. -Hey, Jim. All right, well, you girls have fun tonight. Abby and I will hold down the fort. Oh, babe, you should bring some smatter tonight. What’s smatter? -No, Liv, don’t ask. -Nothing. What’s the matter with you? – -That’s a great one, honey. Thank you so much. Bye, honey. -I got to get ready. -He’s so cute. Yeah, he’d be even cuter if he cared what I thought about his breath. Now my upper lip smells like garlic spit. Oh, my God, these frickin’ boobs! Well, you better shove those enormous, over-sucked purple nipples into that dress and get out before I change my mind.

It’s already past my bedtime. Okay, well, the tits are in and I am on my way. Whoo! Cashier: Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you tonight? Can I get your biggest iced coffee, please? Okay. That will be $3.95. Cashier: My gosh! My mom does the same thing! -It’s so funny. -Hilarious. Oh, actually, the girl that was in front of you paid for your drink. What? Why? I guess just to pay it forward, kind of thing. God, that is so nice. Let me pay for that car behind me. Okay. -That’ll be $17.20. -What the fuck? -Mine was like $3.00. -Yeah. Well, okay, let me pay for the car behind them. Uh, theirs is $19.80. What the hell are people drinking? You don’t have to pay. I think she just wanted to do something nice.

No, I mean, I-I want to pay. It just doesn’t seem fair, you know? I got an iced coffee. Sure. Oh, God. Fine, here. All right, thank you. $37?! Yeah, for both cars. Isn’t that what you said? Have a great day. Thank you. -Oh, just a second, miss. -Oh, you need to see my I.D.? No, you’re fine. You can’t bring that drink inside. Look, I just paid 40 bucks for a fuckin’ iced coffee. -Please. -That’s…just stupid. I understand that, thank you. -You’re not bringing it in. -It’s my birthday. Man, I mean, can’t you just let this one thing slide? Happy birthday. -Thanks. -No. No way. 40 bucks! -Now ask for my I.D. -What? I said, “Ask for my I.D.” -Show me your I.D. -Okay. I forgot it. You’re fine. Just go inside. Happy birthday. -Happy birthday. -I’m fucking old, Jayne! Whoa. Why are you yelling? Sorry, I just drank a shit-ton of coffee. I ordered us tequila shots. Alcohol’s a depressant. It will counteract. -Okay. Oh, sure. -Mmm. Mmm! Oh, do you think I look old? ‘Cause this is it.

I’m, like, officially mid-30s — like, right smack-dab in the middle. The skin around my eyes looks like a Shar Pei when I smile. Do you see the wrinkles? Those showed up today. And, apparently, all my eggs are drying up at a rapid pace. -I’m freaking out, Jayne. -Oh, my God. Can you please– Sorry, sorry, too much coffee. You know, I didn’t get carded coming in here. Did you? I don’t think I look that old, do you? Think I work too much, because that can make you look old. God, I can’t believe we actually made it out. We so needed this. Your boobs look amazing! Okay, we need to order more. You’re literally having a conversation with yourself. But, first, I have a surprise for you.

-What? -I signed you up for Tinder! ♪ I’m giving you the finger ♪ ♪ I’m pressing “delete” ♪ -♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ – Get it? ‘Cause you gotta kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince. You used my real name? No — What — Where did you even get this picture? From my bachelorette party. It was the only one I could find of you not in a blazer. -Look at all the guys on here. -Jayne, delete the app. What if someone I know sees me on here? Everyone’s on here. It’s really not a big deal. Seriously, take me off. Liv, you gotta get back out there, okay? You need to start kissing your toads soon. You’re gonna be like 70 before you find a good guy. End up like that lady — desperate as fuck. -See, that’s sad. -That’s your future. That’s Mom. Mom! Wow! -Mom, what are you doing here? -What, you think you’re gonna go and celebrate your birthday without me? Jayne tagged your location on Instagram. What? I got bored waiting for you. -Oh, God. -Who’s our new dad? Oh, that’s Hank, my Tinder date. I’ll call him later. Girls’ night! See, Liv? Even Mom’s on Tinder.

Oh, if you’d just knock the rust off your fuzz box. I mean, when was the last time you got laid? Mom?! No, I’m serious, do hymens grow back? Okay, we’re gonna need some more shots, please — three. -I made her a Tinder profile. -Thank you. -Ooh! -Mm-hmm. Is that you? Well, you look hot! -Thank you. -Just try it tonight. Start kissing some toads. You said “toads” one more time, Jayne, -I’m gonna slap you. -I told you, you need Botox.

I mean, look how good you look without those crow’s-feet. -I’m gonna go pee. -Wait. Ryan! -It’s Ryan, it’s Ryan. -Let me see. What do you mean, it’s Ryan? ♪♪ Okay. You know what? Fuck it. If he can move on, so can I. Bye, Felicia! Oh, no, you just swiped right on Ryan. What do you mean, I swiped right on Ryan? What does that mean? What does that mean, Jayne? Undo it! Fix it, I mean, Jayne, fix it! Wait, wait, let me just Tinder for you.

Let me just Tinder for you. It’s fine. No. Jayne, stop, stop, Jayne! Fucking stop, Jayne! I don’t want to go out with all these guys. -Come on, it’s fun. -For you. Okay, this guy works in insurance. Your pay-it-forward karma’s coming back. Oh, he would love your pantsuits, Liv. Stop, Jayne. But Cunningham’s Insurance is huge. I always wanted to work there. Doesn’t he have any pictures with his shirt off, -like the rest of the guys? -He’s 24 miles away. -So, Jayne? -I’m inviting him out. -Stop. -No, no, it’ll be good. -Jayne, stop, no! -It’s been a while. You need our help. I don’t want to go out with that guy? What did you do?! Oh, my God, he just wrote that he’s coming.

-Date number one! -Ooh! Oh, I hope you shaved your vagina. Okay, I’m gonna need another shot. Thanks. ♪♪ -Oh, God, that’s him. -He’s cute. Just talk insurance. -You should be fine. -Oh, I never peed. Don’t go now. He’ll think you’re a weirdo. Hey. Hi, Olivia Maple. Nice to meet you. Hi, Aaron Cunningham. -Cunningham? -Mm-hmm. Like where you work, Cunningham? Yeah, yeah. Like my dad, who started the company. I’m the CEO, ’cause my brother is an idiot. Olivia’s in insurance, too. Aren’t you two cute? Mom, leave them alone. Sorry, this — this is awkward, but this is my mom, Mary, and my sister, Jayne. Wow. That’s so funny, ’cause they weren’t in your Tinder picture. We do not come as one.

-No, I know, I know. -It’s just me. That’s so cool that you… go out with your mom and your sister. That’s crazy. Well, I had her when I was 18, and most people think that we’re sisters. -I can totally see that. – Maybe I should get everybody a drink. No, no, that’s okay, that’s okay, they’re leaving. -Birthday shots! -Yeah. Four tequila shots, please. -Whose birthday is it? -It’s mine. I know it seems pathetic that I came out on my birthday with my mom and my sister, and that we went on Tinder while we were here. But I swear to God, I’m usually super normal. Know what? I’m not a big fan of normal. That’s good. Cheers. -Happy birthday. -Thank you.

-I’m glad I came. -I am, too. She’s definitely awkward. Okay, do you — do you want to go grab a table, alone? Yeah, I would love that. I — not that I don’t want to be on a date with all of the sister-wives. That’s — This is just her decision. Whoo. Come on. -Well, this is better. -Yeah. Sorry, my family can be a little out-there. Oh, they were great. They were great. -Your sister is drunk. – Yeah. I mean, first date, and I met your mom, so… Yeah, but that’s definitely not something to brag about.

-Trust me. I live with her. -Oh. You live with your mom? I mean, no, she lives with me, temporarily. -That’s cool. -No, my dad died, -and she didn’t have — -Oh, I’m sorry. This is way too much information to be giving on a first date. -It is. -I’m gonna stop talking. How many red flags do you think I’ve raised at this point? -Five. -Five?! That’s okay. Hey, I love red flags. -You love — -You are putting up more red flags than China, but, yes. Well, good thing you love them. That’s awesome. Oh, yeah, yeah. I’m hoping that you’ve got like 10 cats at home. Yeah? -Oh, man. I have no cats. -No cats? -I’m allergic. -Oh, me, too. -Really? -Yeah. I told you, I’m usually way more normal than I am tonight. And I told you… I’m not a fan of normal. ♪♪ You know, I always thought Tinder was, -like, just a hook-up app. -Oh, it is. We are totally banging after this. -Oh, God. -I’m so sorry. I was — That was totally a joke. I have a very dry sense of humor. I’m sorry. No, no, no. No, you’re awesome, but I drank my body weight in coffee before I came in here, and I’m about to piss myself, so…

Oh, don’t do that. They have bathrooms for that. Oh. That’s a much better idea. -Yeah. -I’ll be, like, two seconds. -Okay, you want a drink? -Um, no, I think I’m good. Thanks. Oh, God. Oh, okay. Excuse me, I have to pee so bad. Is there a way I could just cut in front of you? -Oh, you have to pee? -Yeah. Oh, okay, why don’t you just go ahead of all of us, then. We’re just standing here as performance art. It’s called “wait in fucking line,” bitch. Okay. Oh. I was… Man: Someone’s in here! Oh, how long are you gonna be? -As long as it takes. -Come on.

Who takes a shit in a bar?! God. Oh! Oh, my God. Okay. You’re making me do this! Oh, God. Don’t come out until I say! Oh! -Jesus, lady. -Oh, God, shut up. -Ahh! – Ocupado! Ocupado!! God! Oh! Are you still not a fan of normal? Oh, God. Well, I guess my dreams of working at Cunningham’s Insurance is dead. -What is so funny? -I told you to hold it. I couldn’t, Jayne. 30 ounces of coffee and a shit-ton of tequila, it was like a damn geyser. Well, I still don’t think that’s a deal-breaker. I mean, they make pornos about that. Oh, my quads hurt from squatting. You know why this happened, right? It’s ’cause you didn’t pay it forward right. You had all that negative energy while you were paying — I’m gonna pay you fucking forward in the face, Jayne. See, there’s the negative energy. I wasn’t into him anyway. Yeah, why would you be, Olivia? A hot CEO with Pantene Pro-V hair, a great sense of humor. Wow, let’s kill him! He was frickin’ marriage material, Olivia. So what? Not everybody wants to get married with kids by 30, Jayne.

-Well, you’re pushing 40. -Yeah. And with only one serious relationship under your belt. So… ♪ I know you could be ♪ ♪ The one who saves me ♪ ♪♪ Give me your phone. Are we gonna Tinder? Fuck yeah. We are swiping right! -Whoo! -Whoo! Cheers! -Cheers! -Cheers! ♪ To bring ours back where we used to be ♪ All right. Oh. Oh, God. ♪♪ Oh my God. ♪♪ Jayne? Jayne? Jayne?! -Good morning, pukey. -What the fuck is that beeping? -What beeping? -Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, fuck. Shut up. Holy shit! 252 matches? Oh, to be young again. How many times did I swipe right?! Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe! Another match! I can’t hear you! Yeah. I got a boyfriend! I got a boyfriend! Oh. Oh, shh! Sorry.

Ohh. 252 guys swiped right on me? Whatever. Just write it off to a fun, drunken night. Then you can go back to your regularly scheduled programming of cubicles and conference calls. You know what? Fuck it. I’m done doing that. I mean, I’m still gonna work with the cubicles and conference calls. I love my job. But last night was the most fun I’ve had ever, even though I power-pissed in a urinal in front of a hot CEO. I still don’t think that’s a deal-breaker. Yesterday, I woke up fine — totally happy with where I was and how my life was going. And then it’s like… all of a sudden, I’m old. And I realized last night that… I’ve been a swipe-left girl. A what? I’ve been swiping left on life, and it’s just… passing me by. Well, I’m done doing that.

From now on, I’m the swipe-right girl. I’m gonna go out with every single one of those motherfuckers. All of them? I don’t know, Mom, I’m having a moment here. Hmm. You’re gonna go out with this dude? -Oh, my God. -Can’t we go on double dates? Absolutely not, Mom. I’m not getting into another relationship with you still living here. We saw how that worked out last time. Whoa! Suddenly, you’re getting into a relationship? No, I’m just saying that maybe it’s good that we try something new. -It could be fun. -Well, what about me? You just take care of that kid and keep those nipples covered. It’s gross. I hate my body. This guy is pretty hot. -Minus the five-toed shoes. -Jayne: That’s fixable. There’s gotta be at least one good one on here, right? Well… Click to watch another free episode of “Sideswiped,” or you can sign up to binge the entire series for free. You can access YouTube Premium free for 30 days. ♪♪ ♪♪ .

SML Movie: Jeffy The Rapper 2

Jeffy: Tacos gave me diarrhea, diarrhea, DIARRHEA! Tacos gave me diarrhea and it is in my pants! Mario: Jeffy, stop it! Don’t sing about stuff like that it’s gross! (BTW, all of the parenthesis are from iSunnyD) (doorbell rings) Jeffy: Somebody is at the door, at the door, AT THE DOOR! Somebody is at the door, and there is diarrhea in my pants! Mario: (sighs) Why jeffy? Mario: Uh, hello? Goodman: Give it to me… Mario: Give what to you? Goodman: Your house payment, Mario! Mario: It’s not due till midnight and it’s only eight o’clock! Aka 8pm Goodman: It’s midnight somewhere in the world! Mario: Well, look, I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to make my payment tonight…(You gone done the wrong thing Mario) Goodman: Mario, if you don’t pay your house payment by midnight tonight… Do you know what I’m gonna do to you? Mario: What? Goodman: Purple Nurple. (oh no). Mario: What? Purple Nurple? Goodman: I’m gonna take your nipple in this hand, see this hand, Mario? I’m gonna take your nipple and TWIST REALLY HARD!! I’m gonna take this hand and pick up where I left off and TWIST REALLY HARD!!! I’m gonna take this hand one more time, see this hand? Mario, see it? Bring it around town and SQUEEZE AND TWIST REALLY HARD!! And in this hand one more time, pick up where I left off, and TWIST REALLY HARD This hand Mario, one more time, look at this hand, watch it, bring it around town and TWIST REALLY HARD!( (sounds of constipation) I’m gonna rip your nipple clean off your chest Mario.

You see right here?(ouch) What do I have in my hand? Your nipple. Guess what I’m gonna do with you’re nipple Mario?( I don’t wanna know) Ah. (makes eating noise) ( this will make me throw up) Yummy your nipple. (Goodman, you are messed up) Mario: Tha- that seems like its gonna hurt… Oh yeah. I’ve only done it twice in my life before. The guy, the guy I did it to guess what his name is? Mario: What? Goodman: No Nipple Tim.

Guess how many house payments No Nipple Tim has missed? Mario: How many? Goodman: Zero. Hold up, why would Goodman do that to Tim if he never missed a house payment? So if you miss your house payment tonight Mario, your nickname is gonna be No Nipple Mario. See you later, No Nipple Mario. It kinda has a ring to it. Cat Piano: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Mario: Aw, my Poor nipples… Jeffy: What’s wrong, Daddy? Mario: Well, Jeffy, if I don’t come up with $2,000 by tonight. I’m gonna lose my nipples!( In the worst way possible) Jeffy: Well I don’t have nipples, see?( Because you’re a plushy, Jeffy) Mario: That’s gross Jeffy. I just need quick money tonight… TV: Yo, yo, yo! Do you need money tonight? Then enter in your most fire rap song, into the rap song competition! And you could win $50,000 dollars! $50,000! Just to make some stupid little rap song! I can do it, it can’t be that hard.

Okay. Uh, my name is Mario I really need some money if I don’t get it… Then my nipples will be goney? (You suck Mario!!) I don’t know! This is stupid! I’m gonna just ask Black Yoshi to do it… Hey Daddy I can make a rap! No, you can’t Jeffy. Yeah, I can daddy. I just need a saxophone. Wha, a saxophone?( Oh boy, here we go) *Epic sax solo* YASSSS!!! Wanna See My Pencil? x4 Hey Daddy, wanna see my pencil? I stick it in my nose, until it hits the middle.

It’s yellow, it’s special. It tastes like a pretzel. I hit it on my head to make it instrumental! I mental, I’m crazy, diaper like a baby, who’s the Easter Bunny? You know that is my daddy! My rhymes are freaking hot! You weren’t even ready. I got my jammies on, I’m ready for bed! Wanna See My Pencil? Wanna See My Pencil? Wanna See My Pencil? Wanna see my pencil? (7x) C A T P I A N O S O L O *Uh Noise* Back on the track, These hoes, I smack, These haters can’t kill me, you know that’s a fact! My diaper I pat, My Piano is a cat! I see a can of green beans, and i hit it with a bat! Always wear my helmet, don’t have to ride a bike! These bullies wanna try me, but you know we’re gonna fight! People say they hate me, well they can take a hike! I just schooled these haters, now lemme drop the mic! Wanna See My Pencil? (x4) Wanna see my pencil? (x7) Do you want to see my pencil?! So daddah, Wadya Think? Jeffy that was ridiculous! I can’t believe you submitted that! You’re not gonna win! Maaaan Daddah stop hatin’! When that beat drops, It’s gonna be straight fire! It’s gonna be top on charts, and tastin farts! Ima need a snorkel.

A snorkel, for what? For all the wet Kitty I’m gonna be swimming in. Wet kitty? Oh yeah, I’m talking wet, soaking wet. MEOW ?????? Who’s that? Jeffy, just stay right here. all right daddy. Hello? Hey is Jeffee here? Jeffy is here! 🙂 No No, Not no Jeffy. JayFee! Look anyway, I got $50,000 that he won in a rap content. WUH! He actually won the contest?? Yeah Man! Oh well come on inside! Alright, so uh, sit right here. JEFFY! JEFFY GET IN HERE! So Jeffy Really Won? Yeah, he sent us the HARDEST Rap song.

What’s up ball sniffers? Jeffy, you won the 50-thousand dollar rap contest! I knew that bit was hot! Yeah, you beat everyone in the competition! So here’s 50K who is that? Uh I Don’t Know… Hold on, I’ll get it. Uh hello? YO Mario! Is the rap judge here! Rap Judge? Well theres a guy here givin us 50K For a rap song. Wha? MOVE OUT THE WAY! Man! Look at all this paper! Yep! and its all yours! Wait! Not so fast! Who are you? MAN SOMEBODY GET THIS SKID MARK OFF MY TABLE! I’m Toad and I need to submit a song to the contest! Don’t waste your time. Well. Yeah, he’s right It’s kind of too late to submit a song But I kind of do want to hear another song so go ahead. send me a song. Let me see OH MAN WHO LET THE A@S OUT? HA HA! OH I NEED ALL GIRLS TO GET BONKERS BABY! JUST SHAKE IT! BABY TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, DO IT FOR THE MONEY BABY.

FOR THE MONEY BABY TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, MOVE DEM CHEEKS, TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, MAN YO BUTTS FOR WEEKS! TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, I NEED A SNEAK PEEK! I WAS STUDYING THAT BOOTY, I’M KINDA LIKE A GEEK! Studdy ASS, JONY HAD A SEIZURE (idk), Flow So SLICK, I think i got the measles! Booty make me hungry i need little caesars! Move it for the money girl! You all most legal! (God or something) SHAKE IT FOR THE MONEY, DON’T WORRY BOUT THE BUDGET BABY. Got a bunch of cash pound in the bucket baby! Dis song about butt, if you didn’t know the subject baby! Turn that ass like you just bought some megas baby? (hes hard to understand) TAG, YOUR IT, DAT BOOTY I’M CHASING, BOOTY GOT INSURANCE GO HEAD AND BREAK IT.


MOVE IT LIKE YOUR AT IT, I’LL GET YOU A SADDLE! SHAKE IT REAL FAST, JUST LIKE A BABY’S RATTLE PUT YOU ON SCREEN, YOU COULD BE A NIGHTCLUB WHIP IT LIKE A SLAVE BABY GIRL, CALL ME MASTERS. Prayin for some booty, (unintelligible) as a pastor Wind it up baby, and the f is for faster (if anything is wrong, its because i can’t understand them :/) Shake it, Shake it, and dont forget to drop it, dat ass to big, girl you know I’m bein honest! Make them cheeks shine, like they gettin polished Twerk for you tuition for college. Toad: TWERK IT, SHAKE IT, DO IT FOR THE MONEY BABY, FOR MONEY BABY WHOA! THIS SONG CHANGES EVERYTHING! DIS SONG IS FIRE! Wh- What’s going on? Man dis song’s so good… it might be a tie! A TIE ARE YOU HIGH!!?? (Here’s another one rhymes) Wha a tie? IT CANT BE A TIE! You already said Jeffy Won! Look Look Look, Its so good, I think Toad put up a good fight! Yeah mine is good, right? Wa Wa Wait, so so if the songs are tied, how are we gonna settle this? Huh, I Don’t know…

Maybe we should call the fire department to see whose song is the most fire! MARIO: wa wa Okay, so I got a call about a fire. Yeah, we want you to see which song is the most fire! What, which song is the most fire? Yeah? Yeah. Wha-, So you’re telling me. There’s no actual fire here No, we we just want you to see which song is better which song is the most FIRE! All right just play the songs. okay. (the sound of a blazing fire) UH, Yeah both of those songs are pretty fire. I think I got third-degree burns on my face.

So which song was the most fire? Huh well they were both pretty fire, but I got a thing for butts so I’m gonna go with that one Wahoo! I won! THATS B.S! Yeah, Jeffy’s song was better. Well the firefighter has spoken. I’m gonna go to the hospital now… Oh Man… Jeffy I Can’t believe you lost Well Jeffy. I guess you can say bye-bye to my nipples.

Bye Bye Daddy’s nipples. I was supposed to get $2,000 by tonight. Oh well daddy i got this! $10,000??? Yep. Where’d you get that at Jeffy? Oh I stole it off the pile of money. (SAVAGE)Wha- you stole it? Yeah, I’m about that life. I’m on that gangster shiz. Well I guess my nipples are saved. YAY! Daddy’s nipples! Let’s Celebrate, daddy. Let me grab my hoes. Wha-? hoe? There you go Daddy, my main hoe! *best song ever* (Jeffy’s Rap 2, obivously) Captions by PokemonPlushUniversal, Hansen, BlankFlank, Natlie Chaet aka NDC, Omar Addus, RubberDaduckey, and Tom Clover